i went to sleep at 4:02 a.m. last night. and i woke up at 7:10 a.m. it's just like my insomnia days. running on barely no rest at all. repetitively, night after night without an end. until just a few months ago. i looked at the time when i awoke and cursed to myself. then, i pushed the laptop screen down and went back to sleep. i woke up at 9-something, went back to bed...now it's almost 11...and i'm still exhausted...

what's wrong with me?

[b]find me here[/b]
today was my grandpa's...78th? birthday.

my sister and i ended up cleaning up the entire house...i've never seen my room so...bare. so clean. it's really bright in here now.

speak to me

i dropped her off at cvs with some friends, after we ate dinner. i had the best tazo chai frappucino. ever. then, i spent a little while at sara's since she just got back from disneyland. afterwards, i went back home where i talked to Patrick for a little while on the phone.

while i was sitting there on the phone, i was thinking about how much i would love it if my eye had a built-in camera in it. the angling on the curtain was perfect, the lighting reflected on it in such an...evanescent way. i notice little things, the shadows of the leaves, or the curtains in this instance. and it reminds me just how much beauty is in the world. in the littlest, simplest forms.

now i'm talking to mike...about friendships. about how shit went downhill this year...and all that keeps echoing in my head are lifehouse lyrics. tomorrow, i'm sleeping over my grandparents'. maybe i'll get some psychology studied there. maybe not.

i packed my clothes for tomorrow since i'm spending the night at my grandparents'. maybe my cousin EJ will decide to skip school and stay over at my grandma's too. or maybe anthony will atleast be there since he lives with them so he can go to his college. haven't really gotten to hang out with him in awhile. i hope he plays his elvis cds...or serenades me with his guitar.

i want to feel you

i'm unusually quiet tonight. there's just a lot on my mind, i suppose. mike says he's lonely. i say i'm confused. and i am, but what about? i haven't a clue.

i need to hear you

personally, i think this is ridiculous didn't anyone else watch that primetime study, where they proved that file-sharing doesn't really infringe on the sales of the music industry. rather, the boom of the '90's set it back by having adults update their vinyls to cds early on, the youth had more money to spend on music. you can't say that it's costing artists that much money. people usually sample the music from the 'net, i know that i used to listen to a song online then go and buy the cd if i liked it. if they didn't want us to download music, then why offer ipods? or mp3 players? or...blank cds at all?

you are the light
that's leading me to the place
where i find peace again

we were in science class with this other lady teaching us. but we weren't learning science, we were playing band music. and somehow there weren't enough cymbal straps or something and jokingly me and this girl made me an earring of christmas bells attached on string and on the bottom was a splash cymbal. i asked this kid about homework or something and he replied, since he was in my history class last year. i don't remember what he said or what i even asked. then, somehow i moved my street to a beach setting and there was a little pond area where someone had killed a girl. in my mind flashed the news reporters, showing the dead corpse. for some reason i had this notion that it was a plastic figurine of a man who committed the murder. i can't quite explain what i meant by that. so i went there and there was the dead fins of some dark shark there as well. i was feeling sick to my stomach when i noticed a white car driving up in front of me with this angry looking woman in it. i got kind of wary, so i ran back to my house. my mom's old car we sold was there, but the door was kind of open. i stopped to shut it. when i closed the front door, it wouldn't close. i was freaking out because the white car was following me, chasing me. i locked it and kept turning the knob, but it kept opening, i remember thinking atleast the top door locked and as i ran upstairs towards it, i woke up.

lol when i grow up (that'll never completely happen) and i have kids, i'll read them this

excerpt:anthrax-"milk

I want some milk!
My coffee grows cold
I want some milk!
I should’ve been told

i've wasted my day away. in what could've been an amazing day to study and get maybe a chapter done, i've wasted. gone. kaput. poof.

instead, i made myself macaroni and cheese, pouring in some milk. didn't think of it, though later on i realized the pasta had tasted a bit off.

poured myself a cup of milk, spit it out. thought i poured it into a glass with sprite in it or something. poured myself a fresh glass of milk. spit it out. realized the milk was just...bad. sour.

that's my story for today.

got back from my aunt's! man those boys are lazy. my grandpa, dad and uncle made me make them food. i cooked in the oven, heated up some appetizers, tossed together a chicken caesar salad. even served them. i got some psychology studying done, by that i mean not much. so i have to start doing that.

today, ash and i drove around. well, i drove around. finally. first, i needed more gasoline, then we went to starbucks where we saw this truck do the weirdest backing up over a mini divider thing in the parking lot. his car took out a brick or two in it. it was crazy. they got rid of brownie frappucinos, much to shlee's dismay. instead, they added "java chip". i mean, what the hell. really. afterwards, uhm. i'm trying to remember where i drove. went to the circle, passing up my usual stop at coconuts and banked for a pet's shop where we picked klondy up more ferret food. i wanted to buy a barking tree frog. because, hell, wouldn't you want a frog that barked? i know i would. then we wandered around a.c. moore for a few minutes, talking about polyeurethaning and decorating our own houses one day with our own odds and ends. i wanted to get my sister food at atlanta bread company, but they closed 12 minutes early to clean up. my english teacher was there and she introduced us to her husband. after that i drove around the duck/pond park, then passed my grandparents' house before going to ash's for a little while.

as i was turning ash's corner, i went a little too fast, a little too wide and fishtailed a little bit. left some skidmarks, scared a lady, regained myself and managed to avoid hitting a parked van. i'll get over it soon enough.

at ash's we watched nelly's x-rated new video "tip drill" just to see what all the commotion and outrage was about. well...wow. is all i have to say. those women really don't respect themselves.

now i'm home...and cleaning up. on another note, i hustled my dad and grandpa with my uncle lenny in billiards and won a dollar.

bleh. i'm leaving for my aunt's house after school today, by 4 my parents claim. it isn't that i don't love my aunt, or the others in the family there, but...i don't want to go lol. is that terrible of me? the estate is gorgeous, with my uncle being well-to-do, but it's boring. and rigid. it's uncomfortable.

my game plan is as follows:
1. listen to cd player throughout entire ride
2. listen to cd player throughout majority of stay
3. study for psychology/history ap exams
4. play hours upon hours of pool against myself...aiming to shut myself out by winning every single game and yet, not losing at the same time. :P
5. keep my cellular phone charged up the entire time, walking around with the microphone if necessary to receive incoming and to make outgoing calls consistently. i love those weekend minutes.

i'll be back sunday, late afternoon. until then, ciao

for the first time in two months, i drove home! why? because my ankle doesn't need to be bandaged anymore! it's still in the splint but that doesn't hinder movement of my joints or ligaments anymore! yay!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKEY!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB!!

first period, i was highstrung and i made michele sing some beatles songs with me that was on CAST. we voted for our senior class officials...the people who win the position also get free parking and they don't have to pay senior dues. lucky.

i was rather mean to justin today, so i apologize for that. you're not a bassett hound. i take it back.

history was terrible. we watched previously unreleased videos from the nazi german camps and it was all watching the s.s. guards trying to cover their tracks and digging up and throwing thousands of naked, skinny skeletal corpses with grotesque faces into the pits...God, it made me so queasy and sick to watch that. i was happy that i leave 5 minutes early.

also an apology to mateo, you did not deserve those scratches, although you called me an inferior brunette. insult me and die, woman.

i hit frankie with a drumstick today. i said sorry, but wanted to take it back as soon as he said: i like it rough, hit me again. and i called him a sick bastard, gaining the response: i love it when you talk dirty.

junior burped in my face. got hit. he said: you're a drummer, take it. and i said: you chose to be a drummer, deal with it. we always banter back and forth like that.

and now i'm going to be late for the doctor, so off i go. i hope he doesn't try to make me get laser surgery.

farewell til later

princess rachel are you worried over august? i'll have you home before you turn into a pumpkin

i don't want you to get hurt
me: if you ever say that phrase once more, i am not saying this to be mean, but i refuse to talk to you again

i don't feel like your mother
i don't feel like your daughter
do you want to go on sunday or not?

i don't know if i want you attending school in ny
you don't want me to be happy
i'm only looking out for what's best for you
like i said, you don't want me happy

you don't have friends and that's your fault

you don't still cut yourself do you? don't do anything stupid while we're out that's only for people who don't have loving families and support behind them

after you have a good breakdown
and you fall asleep
flinging yourself, your frustration
down on your mattress
and you drift away from it all
for just a little while
away from the pain, the screams
the words, the situation
you wake up and all is blurry
burning, eyes tearing, searing
you rub away the salt
you open your eyes
your sister's cold hands are welcomed
upon your heated wrist
wake up, tired girl, wake up
wake up, out of that peaceful dream world
wake up, face your reality
as the printer goes off

amidst the cadbury bunny, those adorable rabbits singing on those toys r us commercials and driving the giraffe insane, the peeps commercials and the growing population of obese children in this country...i have to sit here and ponder what Easter was truly all about.

religion. God. faith. jesus, it was about Jesus Christ, people.

i mean, the only reason you're sitting there, buying those eggs, boiling 'em, dying 'em, eating them, devouring those chocolates in your baskets and bouncing around on sugar highs all day are thanks to the Man, the Almighty, the Savior.

so this is in celebration of Jesus Christ's resurrection.

Jesus Christ, you rock man. I eat this chocolate bunny in your honor.

so last night, around 3:40 a.m., i woke up, and reset the alarm to go off at 9:01 instead of 10:00. my parents didn't know. i slept on the couch, with my blanket and pillow to ensure that i'd wake up in time, wake up the family in time since patrick's arriving at around 10:20 a.m. from the bus stop. i do not want him to lug all his stuff down to my house by walking, after travelling so much already. so when he calls, we'll go give him a ride.

i'm reading Wicked, it's such a weird, topsy turvy confusing novel so far.

lots of detailed, sophisticated language, fantasy, gore and sex. oh, but the pictures are gorgeous, i think sara would love to see this play. i know i would.

i've gotten into a cleaning frenzy.

so all old archives are uploaded to tonight, in flames

for other news, mike aka jew ate a scorpion.