today, patrick, me and his grandma ventured to his house in ny, where we took a trek through the woods to a stream behind his house. my clothes got all muddy and wet, so we washed them and i wore a pair of his pants. we played pogs, this duck hunt game where the ducks light up on the walls and ceiling instead of through a game console and they tried to show me how to play risk. we saw his puppy. then, we got back to his house where his cousins, kaity and meghan showed up. we watched The Dead Poets Society, then went to the diner...it was about to close up in about 20 minutes so we ordered nachos and potato skins. water ended up in the potato skins, but it was alright, we just hung out, then they drove me home. my dad opened the door and goodbyes with everyone was cut short by the unexpected intrusion, which didn't put me in a good mood to say the least. but all in all, it was a really good day. oh yeah, and my tamagotchi for gameboy grew up.

today, i learned that i'm passing math with a 70 for this semester. a failure is a 69. wondrous, no?

most of my teachers were absent, so i spent a lot of thinking time in the auditorium, cursing out donkey kong land on my colored gameboy as i passed a few levels and then realized it hadn't saved for the second time that i shut it off.

today was a day for solitude. after school, it was downpouring and i was talking on the phone with Patrick while it was thundering...i said goodbye to Michele, Mikey, Mike and Liz, but i couldn't hear Kit so i went outside to get away from the noise. I think Mikey got offended, i'm sorry bro.

i've read Deadfall: An Alaskan Mystery by Sue Henry at least once a year since the 7th grade, when i did my quarterly project on it. it was great, i had clues hidden all over the classroom, velcro holding them under seats, desks, inside of books. passing out hints and clues, the class deduced where the clues were, i told what they symbolized in the story...and they figured out who the stalker in the novel was.

every time i read a story, i tend to take on the mood of the characters, i get very wrapped up in the plot, the text. there's nothing that i can't stand more than when you're in a really good mood while you're reading, then some tense moment passes in the book, or the main character goes through a crisis...and then you leave the novel feeling down and angry. God, i relate to the characters way too much. i suppose that i really do get carried away.

tonight, Patrick and I went to see A Day After Tomorrow. but the movie was sold out until 10, so we stocked up on goodies (honey graham teddy bear crackers, nutterbutters & chai latte) before going to an italian restaurant to eat. we drank the chai latte at my house afterwards, before the movie. and after i got home from school, i made easy mac and with his suggestion, put spam into the macaroni. it tastes pretty good, believe it or not. (like Ripley's Believe it or Not!, i loved that place :lol: )

the movie was pretty good. far-fetched and hollywood at some intervals, but believable in the general plot format and intention of the storyline or moral. i won't ruin it for those of you planning to see it. but, i had a realization as i sat there and after awhile, the movie began. it was bad enough that the entire place was jam packed full, but i guess that's what you get for going to a movie that just opened on that same night. the opening scene reveals the alaskan tundra, the sun is rising. it's truly magnificent. and though the armrest was between us, i felt at peace and an overwhelming sense of gratitude in that instant, for the opportunity to be there. given the chance, i wouldn't have chosen any other place, though it was crowded, even though there was the armrest and it was nearly 10:30 before the movie began, i would have been perfectly content sitting there, nestled against his arm, faced towards the silver screen cheek-to-cheek. there's something about movies that brings people together, strangers, friends, significant others, family. it is the sharing, the mental bonding of watching a story take place together, form, develop, and conclude itself that creates a unique connection with everyone around you. and i don't believe that i'll ever forget tonight, not because of the movie itself, but for the mental response, reaction...elation, experienced from being there next to him.

after last night's nightmare, i awoke dreading the morning encounter. i stayed in bed for maybe 5 extra minutes, before finally going into the shower. mother, asking me what i want for breakfast.

"i'll get it myself."

mom asking me what i want to drink:

"if i'm thirsty, i'll get it myself."

mom: "you're so rude, so mean. i don't know how you ended up to be so wrong, so mean, so selfish...you nev-"

"mela, leave her alone."

oh, so finally dad steps in. right?

mom: "it's hailing out! i had a weird dream last night and it was hailing, isn't that weird?"

no mother. you're not psychic. you have no clairvoyant powers or capability to predict the future. with the way you see me, i might as well not have one. then i wouldn't be so selfish, now would i?


mom: why won't you let me help you?
sister: because i don't want you to!!! :x
mom: oh. okay. *to dad* Rachel has to get off the computer

-off to school-

sitting on the swing. cool night breeze. airplanes overhead, dusk settling, melding above the landscape. close. warmth. embraces. peace. safety. love. home.

house. calm. collected. quiet. refined. versus. finger-shaking-in-my-face . slamming doors. angry faces. screaming. me. silence. disbelief. choked intake of breath. numbness. locking of the bathroom door. floor tiles blurring behind curtains of tears threatening to spill. red-faced. tears. gagging. flushing. gagging. flushing. vomiting. faucet knob, cold, collective water splashed face. damp towel. deep breath. opening door.

the accusations:
"go screw yourself. you're an uncompassionate, heartless person that doesn't care about anyone. that will always be alone in life. that has dropped all of her friends and cares about the wrong people. you're a terrible sister, you cruel bitch. you are so fucking selfish and irresponsible. and don't give me any of that moral shit, you're just being lazy and uncaring. go ahead cry, puke, you're so fucking weak. do you want me to ground you? so you can't go out tomorrow? cry some more. go ahead. you're young, stubborn and naive. go to sleep and keep ignoring your family, that's the only thing you're good for."

"shut up. she's going to do this for her sister. go to sleep and leave her alone."

stony silence. silent tears. feeling weak, and feeling like a fucking weak failure. approaching laptop. turning it on. turning off the emotions. envisioning his face. missing the touch of it, the home. the comfort...the acceptance. tears staining pajama pants a darker shade of blue. clogged nose. unremorseful sister. shame. angry shame.

and all because i have to write her a poem, i have to do her homework...to be a good sister.

"what're you doing?"
"plugging in my laptop, is that a problem for you?"
"shut up, bitch"
"you know, kindness can go a long way"
"shut the fuck up"
"yeah, you're welcome, sis"

i'm sick of all the heat
you can taste the hate in the air
running through this family, uncomfortably
it's burning me
is anybody there
in your eyes there's nothing to see
just because your dreams have died
don't drag me down, i've still got mine
-Smile Empty Soul- "The Otherside"

[b]my contribution to the peaceful hatred boiling in my veins:[/b]
The clouds dark and gray
April showers falling into May
The rain pouring quickly down,
Thunder causing me to frown

Lightning in the sky
The windows shake with wind going by
The electricity in the house dies
The lights fail, the family sighs

by Rachel, not Christina.

mother's reaction:
"i don't care if you hate me, i'm right. you're wrong. i never knew you were like this, this inconsiderate. you don't care about us." (goes to kiss me goodnight)

"don't come near me. i don't want to be associated with the likes of you."

"me? i'm the one mad at you, you're the one that's wrong. i had to force you to help her, you didn't do this with love in your heart or willingly."

"like i said, this isn't benefiting her or helping her in any way. i said i'd help her, not do the whole project."

"she's working on another poem as we speak, you do one for her. now."

"i already did, remember? are you happy now?"

"you're so wrong...so very wrong..."

*mutters under breath* "no, you're wrong, you're twisted and wrong."

"and another thing, don't you fucking lie to me and say that you puked. you didn't. i don't believe you. why should you go with us tomorrow to the restaurant? it's not like you give a damn about us." (storms out)

and now dad is suddenly all nice. when he wouldn't take my side. when he wouldn't stick up from me. when he wouldn't help to save my dignity. he wants me to see something on the television, i ignore at him, more in disbelief and anger than anything else. silently stare at him until he leaves, disappointed at my cold demeanor. so much for trusting him. and i'm the weak one?

and my sister stares at me, tears streaming down my face, nose running, dispassionately while she blowdries her hair. the lights still on, burning my eyes. and i realize now that it's morning, that i have to wake up in six hours...that less than two miles away, sanctuary is close, yet far. i contemplate, opening up the door, envisioning myself walking the lonely dark streets, the rain cleansing my thoughts. i see myself somehow gaining entrance without being noticed, slipping under that warm blanket, those arms and being at peace. but for now, i'll settle for the warm escape of slumber and solitude.

meekly, my sister says, "thank you, Rachel."

yeah sis, thank you too, for the past hour of hell...for the humiliation, the tears, my hands shaking, the thoughts of wanting to momentarily cut myself. picturing myself with a few buttons stashed away in my jewelery box from my days of sarcastic wit and rebellion, digging neatly into the left underbelly of my wrist and dragging it in a straight line down the center. like the good old days. shaking this thought after feeling the nausea associated with the memory, the shame, the moral foundation upon which i stand for. feeling the guilt, at having gone against my moral code...my definition of what's right and wrong, so "screw yourself", Mother Dear. thanks for the linguistic lesson with such eloquent phrasing. your meaning and emphasis behind it was so clear and concise, straight to the point. take a fucking crossbow arrow to my heart, why don't you? thank you for that display earlier, where i lost control. raised my voice. was not thinking clearly. thanks for letting me revert to an animalistic, crazy version of myself that was never intended to come out and be shown to someone who actually cares for me, who doesn't deserve it. but this goes to show, even if i'm calm, quiet...loud and obnoxious, my point still goes unnoticed, belittled, mocked and berated. either way, it is better to go through with it and be silent by choice, than to be silenced.

just thinking...around 3:15 pm tomorrow...picking him up, feeling like i'm home.

english- excellent

math- satisfactory (though my test average is basically failing, tell me...how is that satisfactory?)

science- satisfactory

band- satisfactory

gym- satisfactory, minimal progress, work incomplete (though i'm on medical and the other kid that has medical and hasn't handed in work that isn't due yet just got a satisfactory...the bitch hates me...)

psychology- satisfactory

history- satisfactory

-------------

today, it downpoured in school and i was begging to go outside, like a puppy. however, i walked inside with sara and later on got soaked walking to fourth :D , twas fantastique.

i discovered that i love Harvest Moon and Final Fantasy IX.

i also got this weird bug bite that hurts and is swelling up. i took a benadryl to alleviate the inflammation of it *gasp, i took medicine!* and it hasn't kicked in yet.

observation of the day: mustaches can look like wooly mammoths.

book i'm re-reading that i've read a few times already:
<3 >Rats Saw GOD by Rob Thomas

i've said some things out of impulse, in a mocking tone, in anger. something i'm not used to or accustomed to doing. there have been miscommunications. misunderstandings. out of nowhere, really. and i'm not here for apologies, or to apologize. the only regret i have is having hurt a friend of mine with my words, in mimicking of her own, but not in what i had to say. because her words also hurt me. because i do get defensive over anyone, even if it's someone who i love, like i do her, who shows disdain for someone else i care about. as far as it being dumb, well, to each their own. i was feeling angry at the time. i needed to express my reaction, and that's how it came out. again, i only apologize for the feelings i've hurt, not for what i had to say in retaliation of having my own hurt as well. all i ask is that they leave him out of our arguments. i wish they wouldn't make my relationship into a friendship battle. have the problem with me, not with him. it makes me more closed to being open out of sheer defense. i feel the walls building up, i'm trying to tear them down.

i'm not posting for redemption or resolution. i'm posting for the hell of rambling. as far as being stable, i am. it's not so much as wrapping or revolving my life around someone, as much as me being more solitary lately. there would be times when i would be surrounded by those i love and care about, to a point where this side of me would just take hold and want me to escape. and i'd go out of the limelight persay, for a day or so. and then i'd return, with my wits collected about me and my mind focused once more. sometimes, being social really gets me down. i can't quite explain this feeling of needing to be a loner. i prefer not to let myself get too open with anyone, or i do so to a certain extent. those whom i share my inner thoughts with, i trust. but for some reason, i'm feeling like those bonds have been severed a little. not that i don't trust them anymore, i'm just more cautious. with everyone. or i keep my thoughts to myself. silence doesn't bother me. i can bask in it, revel in it and be fine with it.

as far as it comes to relationships, romantic ones, not just friendship ones, mine with my boyfriend has been the cause of a lot of mishaps and arguments since the beginning. it isn't his fault, because trust me, if i need to go out somewhere without him, it's fine with him. it's me that's having the problem. i have this tendency to feel guilty. he's here for the summer for me. i want to be with him, to thank him for all of the small sacrafices he makes a day, like biking for his job, and to see him in person when i wasn't able to all that much throughout the year.

let me try to explain how my relationship is. because every relationship does work differently, or so i've learned. as of yet, i haven't had one argument, nor have i had one instant when i could really feel true anger or annoyance towards him. it's an equal of give and take in all aspects, including mentally. i don't want others to believe themselves second best, because i hold my relationship on a separate level of friendship. any relationship will have a certain level of intimacy, mentally as well, that is somehow different from their friendships. it doesn't mean that i hold one on higher regard, it's just different. i don't want hatred to form. i'm almost fearful of trying to integrate these things, because sometimes i feel the opposition too great. and i have this urge to just...keep it under glass and protected. i don't know. it's something to keep safe. and we're functioning in the real world, together. in all honesty, i just don't want all of the quarreling to start problems between me and him. because the stress does get to me and if we're hanging out, and i just had one, he'll notice something's wrong. but i don't want to bring it up. i don't want him to get the wrong picture of my friends, just like i don't want them to get a bad picture of him. i really do care about everyone.

when it comes down to it, i cannot explain my relationship. i know it is my first, but so far so good, right? it's an amazing feeling, not just because of having someone. it's because it's him, and i didn't rush into this. this has been almost 2 years in the making, almost 10 months officially. and i wish i felt more acceptance for the both of us, because it does bring me happiness. and so do my friends. they bring me happiness as well, there should be no grief because of two separate roles i have in life. because the feeling of having to keep things apart, or not even that, of not having full support behind me no matter what i do, makes me feel sick. and it doesn't make me feel supported or cared about. it makes me feel like i don't deserve it. that i don't deserve to be happy, or with him.

it isn't so much as me loving him. i am not obsessive. the title "girlfriend" doesn't categorize or control my entire being. it is simply another role that i have in my life. i am sister, daughter, grandchild, great-grandchild, niece, cousin, friend, best friend, acquaintance, sworn enemy, and girlfriend. i hold many titles. i'm just a fuck up at balancing them out. this entire situation is troubling to me. it gives me a lot of stress. if everyone would just fall silent, it would be much better than my mental self covering her ears and going: "lalala i can't hear you". because by now their arguments have been falling to deaf ears. i hear them, i listen, but i cannot make everyone satisfied. fully happy. the only person i can make happy is me. and my happiness tends to hinder a lot of other people's. i personally don't care what everyone does or where they go. i want them to be happy. there's no reason for me to be upset if someone else is.

this is not "first boyfriend omgomg!!!!*glee*" syndrome. i found someone i connect with. and quite well, actually. i would not trade him for anything or anyone else in the world. i see no reason in wanting to see other opportunities or even thinking about that, when i am happy with him, with us. i was once so afraid of commitment, but he makes me unafraid. and i will learn from my own choice not to be. he gave me a chance, i gave him a chance and it's working out. i don't want advice or being told that i'm surrounding my life around him. i'm not. there are other aspects to me. but even if i was, if it made me happy, why wouldn't you just accept that? and be happy for me? i'm going to do what i feel necessary. i'm going to try. after almost 10 months, you'd think this would be over with by now. if it gets worse, i don't think i could handle it. combining these two sides of me is too tricky right now. there's too much on the line. since the beginning i've refused to choose. my choices haven't lead me to favor one side over the other. it isn't them vs. him. it's what i choose to do in my life. not with whom. i'm not going to try and prove myself, my loyalty anymore. my loyalty is of friendship, of relationship, and to myself. trying hurts me. because when you have to start trying, you have to wonder who really cares...either way it hurts. the other side of me glares, and degrades me for being so fucking weak. i can't turn off my emotions right now. i can't tell everyone to fuck off. and i can't tell everyone to love me. all i can do is hope and pray that i'm accepted no matter what. that the arguments will stop.

i just like being around him foremost as a friend. not that i don't love my other friends. i do. with all my heart. but let me learn from my own mistakes. let me experience. let me enjoy this. don't forget. this is my first relationship, people say there is more to life than him. don't forget...i've been alone the rest of the times everyone around me had someone. i've been patient. i've been waiting. i found someone. let me just go through this the way it plays out. and let me learn from everything myself.

it really hurts me when people say i'm spacing...or they joke around...act like i'm some kind of fool. i'm just watching, intently gazing at the world around me. i don't like sharing everything going on in my mind. i see all of the delicate curves of the natural world, like the tones of the leaves, or the precise sharpness of a windowsill edge. i can't quite explain it, but there is really so much abstract beauty in the world. and the connections i hold with people can sometimes be weaker than my realization of everything around me. this is how i live, watch and know.

i don't know how my friends view me as of right now. i'm more at peace with myself. i have no depression. no desire to cut myself, or waking up every morning and wishing that it would be my last as i used to. i can actually fall asleep at night without tossing and turning, watching the sunrise, or experiencing terrors. my insomnia seems to have died. my anxiety is under control. i used to always be somewhere with my friends, having grand memories of course, fun times, things i'll always remember. and those i have yet to experience. but underneath it all, i'd be lonely. not because of them, but because of me. of who i am. and how i react to situations. i'm just not one of those go-getters. i don't like going places, or doing things...i'm not rambunctious. i'm a serious individual. that hasn't ever really learned to lighten up, only when the mood strikes me. sarcasm seems to be the only humor i can muster.

it isn't one aspect, of being in a relationship, that has changed me. it has been a series of revelations, both good and bad, having found a sense of comfort in who i am for once, planning for the future, while retaining my fond memories of the past and present. and for the future as well. my aim isn't to have anyone hate me, shun me, mock me...i just want to be. i don't know who to turn to anymore within my circle of friends for solace. or if i can even share the extent of my thoughts with anyone at all that i know or care about. i'm tired of fighting, of opposition, of going to school wondering who'll ignore me, talk to me, or just the knot of dread that's been growing ever since everything seems to have died. i refuse to fight for attention or fight to save connections. i believe if it's meant to work out, it will do so on its own. that having a connection with someone shouldn't take that much work to remain strong.

everyone's different. i'm not a socialite. i can't go around making friends and being a social butterfly at events like sara can. i can't join a bunch of activities and be happy doing them. i give her credit, i just don't handle things the way she does. likewise, on the otherside, i can't handle things the way ash does either. i just handle things the way i do. i don't wish to be judged for it, or condemned. the way i do things isn't wrong. it's how i handle my life, it's how it works for me. if i didn't do things this way, i wouldn't be me. i'd be someone else. and that's what i've been fighting for this year, to be myself. to accept myself.

sometimes i just feel so much opposition, that i want to hide. i don't want to socialize. with anyone. on that topic there are so many thoughts, that the idea of opening up more on an online blog bothers me. and so that's where i'll end that debate. it will stay locked in my mind, it is as if my thoughts and troubles are mutes. they cannot speak, i can't even decipher them, but they're there. they nag at me. and what they wish to say are strangled words and broken phrases. with the hormonal state i'm in right now, it makes me want to cry. and the other side of me pits against this, struggles and degrades me for feeling so. it is like how when i'm with friends. sometimes, i feel like such a subordinate and i play the role, and it bothers me. my independent side flares, then i want to integrate back again, but i don't want to keep suppressing myself to stop causing waves. then again, i don't want to make the waves so big that they drown me. i just want what did carl rogers say? i want unconditional positive regard. and there are only two people in this entire world that has ever given me such. EJ and Patrick. i can almost hear the angry voices, or feel that i have upset someone. please, don't be upset with that statement. at some other point, i have had to try to gain understanding along the path from just about everyone. i'm not saying my other friends don't understand me, they do, but half the time i have to explain what's going on inside of my head, or my silence is irksome, or they assume. with these two, my cousin (blood brother) and my boyfriend, if i never said a word again, they would be alright with it, and wait until i had something to say. and i wouldn't worry, if later on an argument would then have my words used against me. because arguments don't exist, talking things out does and so do the simple things in life. like how happy i can get over something so simple as a breeze in the air, or a kind text message when i least expect it.

there's something i need to explain about being with Patrick. i can feel protected. i can feel safe. i don't have to feel like i have to stand on top of the world and defend myself from everyone. i can relax a little, i'm not that serious, i can have fun. i can laugh. i can go a bit crazy, or i can nap. i can play basketball, be a bit of a pyro, play video games. sneak milk and cookies in the theatre, be held without cringing. i can cling and have it be welcomed. i'm taken cared of.i am not used to feeling so appreciated, so cherished. like i'm actually worth something. not physically even, but emotionally, to just have someone, a confidante unrelated to anyone else you know in any way...someone who can just look at you and pick up not only that something's wrong, but what's wrong and not demand answers. that can patiently just...wait...until you're ready to share. and if you don't, well, then that's alright too. to talk with or be silent with. to have me just stop being such a damn tough person, that can soften me up a bit. and loves me just the same. and not even in just a girlfriend sense. in a friendship sense. not that my friends aren't there for me, but i have never felt so cared for. and atleast i will know what that feels like, even if some believe this won't last, atleast i'll know.

i am comfortable. i am in a comfortable state of mind with myself. it is the outside scope of that perspective, in dealing with the view others have of me. i can't make them happy with who i am or have become. all i can do is hope that the friendships i hold with them will allow them to accept me, embrace me, instead of wondering what the hell has gone wrong.

this year, i am the happiest with myself as i have ever been in my entire life. not for the relationship. not for my friendships. nor my family ties. but for who i am. for me. i've learned to love myself. it only took nearly 18 years.

and part of me wants to press the delete button, the other part is crying, for me sharing so much. another for hiding so much as well. and then there's me, staring blankly into the void...for once, not praying for an end to it all. i'd keep feeling this way forever, if it meant i could still feel the way i do about myself right now. i hope this came out right. i hope it doesn't offend anyone. it isn't meant to. it's meant to get my emotions out. to try to explain them. and i think i did a bad job at it. because there's so much i want to say, and it's so difficult for me to express my emotions. i can't do that anymore right now. i'll end it here.

I'm sorry that my boyfriend's name is Patrick. I'm sorry that nobody's perfect. I'm sorry that I'm not single. I'm sorry that I'm actually happy. I'm sorry that me and him aren't good enough to hang out with you when we're together. I'm sorry that I have a love in my life. I'm sorry that you're not used to it. I'm sorry that you won't bend. I'm sorry that he has red hair and that I love his family. Because I'm Rachel and I have a boyfriend. I'm in town all the time and we never hung out together alone much to begin with. And when he is here, I love that he is the air I breathe. I'm sorry that after 12 years, you expect to be the air I breathe. I'm sorry that if I'm silent, you automatically think I'm not listening. I'm sorry that you don't want to deal with me. I'm sorry that you wear your heart on your sleeve, when mine is inside of my chest. I have been more than understanding, and I'm glad to have you happy for me, but if you are, then show it. I know you exist, but do you know that I'm human too? I'm sorry that you find it necessary to give me ultimatums and cancel plans the moment something doesn't go exactly your way. I'm sorry if you ignore me and then think I leave you out, when you don't want to talk to start out with. I'm sorry that you feel this way at all. I'm sorry for always having to say sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not angry at all. I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt. I'm sorry that I am too. Remember when I never went straight to anyone first when something went wrong? Remember when you felt it necessary to be invited places before going somewhere first? Remember when everything started going downhill? Do you remember when you told me that you understood? Do you remember? You say it's my fault. But is it really? No, it isn't. But did i ever blame you? No, I didn't. Not at all.

Half my life's in books written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you

so after my school had that anthrax scare, we joked around in science class since we were playing with fire and cornstarch. my teacher made fireballs. there was white cornstarch everywhere. we found it ironically amusing. he also let two natural gas campfire candles *pop*.

nothing much else to report on. somehow, i gave sara the impression last night that i wasn't paying attention to her. she was talking about how a tick/spider thing was crawling on her face on the couch while she slept and how she found out and she was upset. and i heard her, honestly, i did. i was watching an old episode of american idol and i was just listening to her, not really responding because i hadn't anything to really comment on yet and she thought i was being insensitive to her and hung up on me. made me feel like shit, so i called her back but she was "busy" and never responded. i got home, IMed her, and went to sleep.

at school, she barely talked to me. i said that i think she hated me today and she agreed. so that was the end of that. i just left her alone for the rest of the day since she seemed intent on ignoring me anyway.

everyday i take ash home from school, so today was no exception and we went to abe's afterschool. i was in the basement and i had to bring patrick to his aunt's so when i got back, i found my mom holding my phone, pressing buttons and saying someone had been calling me. missed call: sara.

my phone froze and i shut it off and turned it back on, then listened to her voicemail saying that she didn't appreciate me ignoring her since it was apparent that i had gotten her text message? surely enough, i checked the inbox and she texted me, so i read it and she was upset that i went to abe's without her.

called her, she got upset and hung up with me. so...that's the end of it for right now i guess. i never meant to hurt her. it hurt to have her ignore me. i don't know what's wrong, or how to make it better. she cancelled our movie night tomorrow. so...i'm just going to leave everything alone about that. i don't want to cause more problems, and i don't want to be anymore confused than i already am on what happened.

goddamn that woman. so i had to hand in p.e. medical work today. and i was in a rush all weekend and lost my assignment paper with some notes i threw out from the psych ap exam book. so i did what i could remember from memory, essays on cardiovascular fitness, flexibility and the merengue. i got 2/3. fuck. so i did the salsa one today and i made it pretty and i hope she takes it because i can't stand this woman. i forgot cover pages. so she throws a fit and i go four buildings over to the library and print them out, then go back and she screams at me for not having them stapled. anal retentive bitch. so by now i'm annoyed, pmsy, pissed and go to north guidance for a stapler. guidance is locked. beats me. so the vp office is backed up with people in line. i go to the chorus room and the teacher there's nice and all, so i ask for a stapler. i'm raging by this point, upset and tearing and she tells me to calm down. i probably frightened her first period class. so she staples my papers for me, telling me it's okay, and i go back to the caf. i refuse to go near that bitch and my friends hand in my papers. where do i go? to my science class, instead of the library because the last thing i want to do is sit there on a computer with every fucking website blocked. and i certainly don't want to do any work for her at the moment. i heard they sent some form from guidance for me to the media center. oh well.

so my science teacher's nice and everyone thinks this lady is nuts. and we're asking how she even got engaged. i know that's terrible of me. i can't stand her.

there was a fight in school today.

what else? hmm...failed another math quiz. aced a vocabulary one. i called Patrick up after school and walked through city hall, then to his grandma's which isn't that far at all. my socks left my ankle exposed and it got cut up. i really shouldn't walk much anymore. bleh.

we had a good time, watched tv mostly and just hung out. and i'm really proud of him. he got a job, that means he can stay here :D , which makes me very happy to say the least. atleast my day ended well, i just hope tomorrow's better. i hope that bitch takes my assignment without saying a word.

so many thoughts. the soothing sound of the rain hitting the roof. the glare of the light in my room that reminds me of the bright lightbulbs in east wing. the homework i have to complete tomorrow morning. now, the surrounding darkness of turning off the lights. feeling the warmth of the night wrap its arms around me. the warmth from the laptop on my legs and the material of comforters beneath my body. what it's like to cuddle underneath the blanket, my arms holding my pillow and burying the day deep inside the mattress. the feeling of having different people's trust in me and the responsibility and affection i have for them. the somewhat doubtful feeling in the pit of my stomach. the dissonance between that and the one in my mind. the utter calm of it sitting there.

i'm teething. damn these wisdom teeth and it reminds me of when i was a baby, if i could remember that, which i don't by the way. and i think of how painful it must've been to teethe. babies are tough. they deal with a lot of bullshit. they're fed when someone decides to. held when someone wants to fuss over them. ignored by those that want them to "cry it out". they have to go to the bathroom in their pants pretty much. no wonder they get so distressed, wouldn't you if you just took a shit in your jeans? i'm getting off topic. all i meant to say was, what i would give for a friggin popsicle right now...or a teething ring covered in applesauce. just like the good ol' days

today was a pretty good day. i went to pleasurable body piercings, the carpeting there was black and purple checkered. they had body jewelery of all kinds, including some of the racier sorts for genitalia. the tattoo designs featured were more like cartoon porn than actual art. but it was fine. i talked to patrick's sister on the phone for a little while, then it was time for my sister to get her belly button pierced. the guy was nice and they told her to stare up at the ceiling to take her mind off things. on the ceiling was a sticker that said: pierce your nipples next!

the navel ring is really pretty, it's white gold because she has a tendency for infection with anything less. i was supposed to get my work done tonight, but that didn't happen. maybe later after i drink my tea. my "m" key on the keyboard has also gotten stuck lately.

i took a nap, ate dinner, went out and drove around for a little while since everyone was mia. traveled around basically with no destination but it was nice nonetheless. then, i went home and spent the next few hours tuning up my drumset. i took the heads and rims off the shells and cleaned everything off with rubbing alcohol using bounty, tissues and an old rag i found. it really got everything nice and polished. then i cleaned my hi-hat down with the sabian cymbal cleaner and tuned everything up. my set has never sounded so...almost decent.

i dissembled the old broken hi-hat, ripping the broken chain and pedal off the bottom and throwing it out. then i took a shower. i'm tired now though, so lord knows how much longer i'll stay awake.

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words."

bleh i didn't do as well as i hoped on the sat's. i'm not even going to mention my grade, so i'll retake them in october and hope for atleast a 10 point increase? lol

to relax after that let down i took my sister and her friend (shhhh i wasn't supposed to have them in the car) to get coffee and this guy almost hit me in the parking lot.

i put lots of honey in my tazo chai and i feel so mellow and calm right now.

drew talked to me saying how he doesn't see me as the working type, but the studying type. fuck that. i need a job, bitch, so thanks for the ideas on where to apply.

i should get going with my homework that way i don't have any for over the weekend. sigh...i really should learn not to be so terrible to myself. i put myself down so much...i'm so overbearing, such a perfectionist that achieving less than what my mental frame of mind says i'm capable of, puts me in such a bad mood.

these emotions can drown

Ooo my soup is ready so i'll make this short.

beetlejuice...




beetlejuice...




BEETLEJUIC-...

sleepy. thinking about the last 9 months and 1 week...over the last year and a half...and i doubt that i have ever been happier. i'm more assertive, self-fulfilled and on a personal note, just more aware of what i want to do in life. and more willing to get there.

my agenda:
1. get working papers
2. get a job
3. spend time with Patrick a lot this summer around our work schedules since he's in town
4. figure out what's going on with SAMS
5. take over the honda
6. avoid going to the beach at all costs

i just got a severe shock. the muffin man...is a baker of muffins...not...a man made out of a muffin. ahhh!!!

ahem.

onto more serious thoughts. every once in awhile i get very insecure. now i'm not sure if this is brought on by a spurt of hormones or what, but i get the feeling as if...one day i will be utterly, completely alone. this thought maybe lasts for a minute or two, where i get a slight sense of mental pain, panic, and a distraught mentality to say the least. just as this feeling subsides though, comes an overwhelming wave of drowsiness, like i've spent up so much energy all the time holding back this thought, minute by minute in my life until i just have a mental lapse where this thought leaks through to my conscious being every once in awhile. then i suppress it, going about my life.

i think this talk comes from a lack of sleep, and a ruthless hatred for the approaching hot weather.

you know what's amazing though? i know that thought will never be true. and that truth, knowing i could never be completely alone and isolated, comforts me.

today was really hot in school. i walked past the ecosystem and sara and i spotted the ducklings there. so adorable and fluffy. i bet starbucks, the bunny, is hating their presence.

after miserably failing at hacking into addictinggames through the network, i bullshitted a page and a half about merengue dancing.

in psych we watched a video on the kitty genovese murder which highlighted the bystander effect. 38 people witnessed a murder, but none stopped it or called police. talk about diffusion of responsibility to the extremes.

in band, sar and i sat on stage with the other drummers and we made paper footballs and were flicking them up into the air and catching them. just laughing the entire time. i felt like i had a lot of pixie stick sugar.

instead of going to the cafeteria, as it's always disgusting during the heat, we bought ice cream cones for a buck and went back to the chorus room. once there, we messed around, sara, lyn and i, playing on the pianos and playing scales by ear. i finally remembered the e-scale, blonde! drew was there and he played his song for his test well.

sara had some odd freudian slips in her essays, instead of filled there was killed, instead of but, bat, and instead of side, die. i guess she really didn't want to write that essay.

i took a half hour nap before going to physical therapy. went, eliza that works there is cool as hell and now i'm back home. my sister's friends are over.

wow. this blog was boring, but alas...blog when i have something actually interesting to say.

the concert went really well and cake batter ice cream rocks my world.

'night everyone

[i]under that ceiling
and on top of these covers
forgotten lullabies
humming to one another

amidst the distant
the thunder echoes
the silence clashes
with this mental clatter

this frame of mind
it squeezes tightly
burns me up faster
than a lit fuse could ever

swallowing these lapses
hearing the undertones
feeling the shatter
not asleep, this pressure

pushing on all sides
silly silly thoughts
arising in the still of night
lit rays across the sky

good morning to all
and formally, good night[/i]

yesterday was a busy day. had my psych ap exam, followed by band practice. and a fire drill because someone set newspapers underneath chairs on fire in the auditorium.

today was crazy as well. lots of thunderstorms. i spent 6th-7th period in band, practicing and with the frosh. then, 8th i left english to set up the stage. we had to move everything around the stage trucks. my homeroom teacher saw me in the hall and goes: where were you this morning?

i was there. she just didn't notice me lol, she sent me to the library every morning and forgot. and i was so close to somehow cracking through the school network's block on aim and hotmail. so close.

i saw my old math teacher too and she asked how mike and i were. she thought we dated last year. she's very mistaken. speaking of mike, he and i played catch with kasia today in math with a tennis ball. our teacher's assistant is leaving us, so it looks like we're back to failing.

after 6th-8th of band, we had band practice. today's our concert. afterwards, i don't know if i'm going for ice cream or if i'm going to come home. busy night ahead, wish us luck

You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.


Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

today pretty much sucked. i told the lady from girls state off. then, my laptop started smoking. the wires from the ac adapter melted through and almost caught fire. so i had to shut it off and i e-mailed tech. support and they're sending me a new one. thank god for warranties, or else i'd be paying 60 bucks for another one. a big fight erupted at my family gathering tonight, it was pretty bad. i was down all night from it and went home wanting to just...hide in a dark room and have a good nice cry. i spent most of the night working on homework without getting much actually accomplished. so much fun. then, i realized how much i hate red tape that keeps me from something that will make me the happiest person alive.

i gave my mom her mother's day present early (thanks to Patrick for bidding on it and giving me the idea) and it really cheered up my mom. i watched recess and boy meets world and now...i should be asleep but i'm just not that tired yet.

Patrick and Sara really got me in better spirits. thanks, guys. :D

Happy (early...sort of...) Mother's Day!

past three days...nate dawg has been bothering the hell out of me:

nathan: it says the symptoms of an overdose are diarrahea
nathan: but then i did just drink this bottle of slice which expires this month
me: WOULD YOU HUSH lol
nathan: im scared of dying lol
me: everyone dies at some point
nathan: its become a problem this week
nathan: if i die then i lose my gf
me: you're not gonna die. just chill
nathan: then how come i got all these symptoms
nathan: i got tongue cancer im telling u
nathan: they gonna have to cut my tongue off
nathan: and i wont be able to speak anymore
nathan: :(
me: YOU DONT HAVE TONGUE CANCER
me: my god. you have a throat infection, that's bothering the back of your tongue. you're fine
me: i'm gonna scream in frustration over here from you
nathan: then what do i got
me: you have a throat infection
me: that is bothering your tongue. that's it
me: just chill. your doctor even said so
nathan: yea
nathan: how about the diarrahea
me: happens to the best of everyone
nathan: do u get it if u dont eat anything?
me: yes you can if you drink too much fluid and not enough food
nathan: heh
me: especially carbonated shit like that slice
nathan: i drank too much liquid
me: yes then shut up and stop thinking you're going to die, or i might have to kill you outta principle
nathan: lol
nathan: why do i feel bad in my throat
me: you have an INFECTION
nathan: did i overdose on tylenol
nathan: i took 2 every 6 hours like it said
me: did you exceed the maximum pills per day
nathan: no
nathan: thats 8 pills
me: no. you're fine. relax.
nathan: are u a religious person
me: i'm more of a spiritual person
me: theres a difference
nathan: on monday night my mother wanted me to go back to church
nathan: i told her "im never going back to church, why can't you get that through your head"
nathan: and then right after that i got sick with a fever
nathan: i think gods punishin me
me: arghhhhhhh i want to hit you upside the head with a 2x4 right now
nathan: yea
nathan: he probably gave me HIV
me: you've never done anyting to get HIV! that's an std. you're fine.
me: and the only thing that can make you sick is a virus, you're not being punished
nathan: i heard stories where god kills people
me: stories. nathan. stories.

[i][b]THIS[/b][/i] is awesome

before mike was bitching that he and i never hang out anymore. so i picked him up and we went to michele's work to say hi to her. he got a cookie and milk, which shut him up from criticizing my "terrible granny" driving. i dropped his ass back home and went to sara's choir concert. i sat by amanda and junior (hey junior, thanks for the water) and got sara some carnations.

the performance in itself was really good, whoever trusted gable with the projection equipment however should be given a dozen lashings.

now i'm home and drinking gatorade...i'm obsessive with online quizzes. someone, help me.


Tomboy


what's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

today i took my history ap exam. the teacher that supervised it was this crazy guy that should be in the military. also, i stayed in band for two periods. it's funny how when you play with the frosh, you're suddenly promoted. i heart my timpani. tonight, i get the car *yay!!!* AND i'm going to see sara's concert at school...possibly some coffee beforehand to visit michele at work. who knows. blog later.

You're
the United Nations!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long way to go.  You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of beating each other about the head and torso.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result.  But your heart is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.

Take the Country Quiz

oh yea and i love Patrick

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire
faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest
this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking
moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT
SOUNDS LIKE THIS!


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

today, i got my science paper done and e-mailed it to my teacher, along with finishing the research for both cardiovascular fitness and merengue dancing. i managed to have four pages of my english essay completed on notebook paper out of 10.

i also received a girls state form which i promptly threw out and scheduled for my first semester at msu.

my wrapping for my mom's mother's day gift is horrendous, the travolta doll in a box wrapped up and taped, in a box of styrofoam peanuts, superglued shut, taped and giftwrapped...with more tape. let's make her work for her presents.

i'm trying to think of what else...friendships. the distancing of some, the enhancement of others. the neutral feeling of simplicity flooding me. maire stopped by randomly sometime after 8 and stayed for an hour or so. we watched the Friends series finale with my sister and her friend.

tomorrow, is sar's concert and i think i'm going to end up going to see her...oh yes...and it's also my 9 months with Patrick tomorrow :)

one good thing to look forwards to.

in the morning, my ritual is simple. hear the alarm and like most people, lie there. i have the tendency to fall asleep during these times, for just a few minutes and when i awoke, i was left with the most nagging, terrible feeling. i think i had a nightmare, but it just bothers me that i can't figure out what it was about.

so i finally managed to wake up, roll out of bed (literally and figuratively) and take a nice. scalding. shower. when i say scalding, i do mean scalding. the hot water all the way to the right with minimal cold water. i was freezing this morning.

now i'm off to eat my toastable better-than-poptart...things.

this sickens me, this angers AND disgusts me and i adore her

i couldn't contain it, i wanted to be out in it, there to embrace it in its oncoming glory. to feel the precipitation slide across my skin, become one with the blood in my veins and run within me.

the same essence that keeps me living, alive, the same feelings.

me, on the concrete, watching, waiting, patiently.

a few minutes. an hour. a little longer.

the sky, blue, lighter than sapphire, like the cotton candy bits at the circus. the light gray of the clouds, swirling, intermingling, interacting with one another.

it loomed closer. and i watched. and i breathed and i felt the silence permeating around me, engulfing me. i heard nothing and everything all at once.

the woman beside me, refusing to acquiesce, the birthing right to sit beside her daughter, rambling, distracting, trying everything in her power to bring her offspring to attention. talks of babies being switched at birth, internal musings on her part, at how peculiar a child she had produced. one that lives for thunder, rain, the rush, the floods. the emotions tumbling down.

the sky darkening, the trees brightening, the birds seeking shelter beneath boughed and gnarled foliage.

the jet engines roaring away, underneath, in front of the oncoming storm.

my eyes open, fluttering, closed, wind whipping, caressing, hair flying in all directions, now. living. breathing. feeling.

awed silence, reverence, slight fear in my mother's thoughts as the screen door closes behind her. she watches, observes and protectively, unsure, stays.

whispers of safety, concern, my future, my well-being, the permanence of my relationship. but now, my relationship with the storm. fleeting, in the moment. i want this to last awhile. so i watch. i tilt my body towards the heavens and listen. watch.

the thunder. far away. counting...forty miles away. a wisp of light in the distance. leaves, of all manner, flying around me.

the drops. slow, reluctant, falling, splashing, thick. heavy. bold.

the sky bleeds rain, slowly, like droplets of ink, they write on me, tainting me, marking me. stating that i am in this, part of this.

finally, she pulls me within the confines of the foundation, the walls, the plaster.

i give in for a few minutes, until the thunder irks me, urges, lures, beckons me. return.

feet stomped into sneakers without tying laces, running, rushing down the stairs, throwing open the door and twirling. the running. the celebration. the life returning.

and then, the confines, the mental ones start to surround me again. stopping, breathing, inhaling in the purity of this precious, unstoppable and unique moment in time. it will never be duplicated, replicated, ever. never exactly the same.

locking the doors, the doors to life. pure. simple. free.
and climbing the stairs back to physical safety. mental imprisonment. the drops they cease to stop, the thunder still rocking, calling, tempting for me to return.

the air is heavy and silent.
thick with anticipation, the heated moment.
the first clash of thunder shakes the foundation of my house.

the second quickly follows and i rush to the window, starting, staring at the lolling clouds. watching the sky for any sign of drops. a single drop to begin it all.

you calm the storms and you give me rest

i feel the wildness of it. the fire. the life.

and i want it to be a short lived monsoon. i want to run, dance, become part of that storm.

i want the storm to break right over my house in thick, fat sheets.

'cause you're all i want
you're all i need
you're everything

using a pen, i drew "ivy" on my palm and wrist today. jew called me a psycho, sara said she wants to buy me a henna tattoo kit lol so that it lasts longer and doesn't look as messed up.

had a few revelations today. but i'll keep them to myself, since they're rather personal.

also got my medical work for p.e. after english. i have to write a total of fourteen pages. between that, my english 10 page essay and the upcoming practices for concert/community bands, the psyche ap test...i'm swamped.

i really can't explain it but i,
i hear the music when i look at you.
orchestrating the song to accommodate the moment.
well, i'm so in love with you...

oh yea, and happy anniversary to my birth givers

we spent a good day together. i had the car allll day.

we hung out for awhile, playing with the dog. then, we went around looking for job applications. applied at another place. we passed by sara's but i couldn't find parking to just drop in and say hello for a minute. we also went to the store and i bought lindsay her birthday pressies. Patrick went along for the ride when i went there to give her them. i also bought EJ a stuffed monkey. i was "manic" and in a bouncy ferret mood once i was there. ermermerm...we went back to Patrick's grandma's for dinner, then he finally gave in (after a year of coaxing), to try a tazo chai latte. he says the lipton version is better. i wanna try it. thanks again for trying it though.

we went to my house for a little while, then back to his grandma's until i went home.

i hope my mom's john travolta doll gets here soon. and...then after mother's day, about two weeks afterwards Patrick's gonna be here all summer. honestly, i can't wait.

yesterday was nice. went out job searching for m'beau and then had italian ice at the farms. Patrick fed the donkey some italian ice. there was a rooster there that wouldn't stop crowing.

then, we hung out at my house for a little while before going back to his grandma's and making paper airplanes with his cousins. Patrick made a few go to outer space lol. ended the night with watching trickshot pool, talking to sar, watching south park and taking a nap before going home...i wish it weren't raining just for today...one of my plots went squish.