i just saw michael moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. the title itself reminds me of the book by Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451. however, despite that *'d notation i would have to give the movie between four-five stars. now, i'm not easily impressed by movies. sometimes emotional by ones that wouldn't be considered emotionally-charging (coughendingofperfectstor m
andithasnothingtodowithcl ooney,patrickcough), or chick flicks (coughhowtoloseaguyintend ayscough), but i'm more into psychological ones, dramas, and have never really been introduced to the documentary-based ones before.

never having been a fan of george bush jr. my opinion of the movie may seem biased. but hell, any opinion is biased anyway. i really liked it. it put a new perspective on the situation. i had never bought into the whole: we're going to iraq for a good cause gimmick. sorry teo for giving your republican view on life a kick in the hooha.

oh yeah, and peanut butter reeses pieces that cost seven bucks for two packages of them...wow the theatres are overcharging-next time it's stop & shop + a really big purse first.

on the movies-to-see list:
shrek 2
open water
king arthur
the remake of the manchurian candidate (the first one was excellent, ol' blue eyes)
the village (what's it called again?)
...too many...i know there's more, i just can't recall them at such an hour...

[sleep]

so lots of things after that argument ensued. i ended up being literally dragged by my purse (part of the strap snapped from being stretched) back into the house, leaving me with a nice hurting bruise on my upper right thigh. my ankle also hurts.

i ran out of the house and went to the park. once there, i just watched this baby rabbit run around for an hour or so, while she kept calling me. then had a talk with dad in the car, until she left somewhere. i found out she picked up my sister too. then, i met patrick halfway and we walked back here...where we're waiting to go to the movies to see fahrenheit 9/11

...down on the corner out in the street...

today was an interesting day. as south park goes (according to kit) it was experience day!

sara helped alleviate my fear, and after that...we bought water from kit's work and disappeared *poof* like magic. this mac truck almost sideswiped us because a car stalled by the overpass...but we made it out alive, and waited for kit to return from work and during that time swung on swings. realizing that we had missed him...aka that he just pedals too fast for my ghetto honda, we went to stop & shop where sara bought cherries for matt and then i went forth and helped her deliver them. afterwards, i went to buy movie tickets to see fahrenheit 9/11. the lady was giving me problems because i'm 17, so i couldn't buy two since i'm not over 21. after we got them, we figured out that our movie tickets were for the wrong time, so we went back to customer services and after sara showed the lady her school ID and after i signed a guest service thing, we got the new tickets. i just dropped them both off.

my mom and i had a fight over college. because something is/was on the tv talking about how anyone could get a free education for college. i didn't move fast enough for her to watch it and she started off on me saying how she doesn't have $27,000 under her ass a year for my college. she doesn't understand that i like the college in itself...God, i really like it. it's not because of patrick. he'd be gone and graduating from it in a matter of 2 years after i got there. so i said she didn't have to always be bitchy towards me because it makes me feel like a burden and my father told her not to mention financial issues with me. so she said that i wasn't "bending" enough, she wants me to go to some degenerate college around here...just because of expenses. what does she know? she didn't go to college, she couldn't afford it, but she went to beauty school then didn't do anything with that. i almost told her i didn't want to end up like her, but i held my tongue. so she said to raise the money myself and she said how? and i said that we could go on a street corner together, sarcastically. so she called me a fucking bitch, said that i didn't understand real problems or worrying about anything (if she only knew the truth...especially recently...) and said that i saw everything as all roses. then she slammed the door and left with my sister.

1. a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

2. a state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.

3. a feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.

4. extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.

5. a reason for dread or apprehension

i have only been more afraid two times in my life.

one was when my grandma was sick and when she passed away

the other was when i was young and my mother was in the hospital for a week.

this is under my grandmother's death, but above my mother's hospitalization. then, as i was sitting in front of the virgin mary statue in front of my church, that voice said to me:

"i promise you, you will be alright. it'll be okay...imagine how she (mary) must have felt..."

a quick thank you to tina, maire, michele, and alaina.

i wanted to drive to the park today...and i drove past it, but they had closed off the entrance i was used to. and all i wanted to do was go home after that.

*bang! bang! bang!* then gracie the pup plays dead.

i woke up, with my covers thrown all around, the bottom sheet entangled and my mattress bare. i still have to wash the dishes. my back hurts. a lot...and i just want to menstruate already (sorry for the graphic nature of this blog). i was watching something on tv and my sister jumps on me and clings for awhile. and i help her out with her issues. and i know she won't listen.

so she starts singing "put the lime in the coconut" and "buttercup" with a high squeaky voice, i look over and she's sucking helium out of old valentine's and birthday balloons.

tomorrow: my date with alainy :)

she also got her belly button pierced! :D . that hawthorne place is good, i hope things fare well with her when she tells her parentals.



^ inspired by maire

why if i just post on my blog do i get ridiculed for what i'm thinking? and why is it assumed to be directed towards people, my friends, that have been so upset with me lately...i know this goes beyond prom. and jr. prom and every other formal/semi-formal possible. i don't know why i'm getting such negative reactions from my two best friends...when everyone else around me is fine with how i've been. i have not been acting irrationally. and do not say in your mind that it's because i can't see what i'm doing, i can't see me and therefore i have a biased opinion. i've just been thinking on a different wavelength and acting accordingly, but that doesn't make me a bad person, or someone who's out of line or someone who would intentionally hurt people that i care about so much. it's impossible to make everyone happy at the same time. so this goes out to everyone...you don't need to make excuses for me anymore. don't stand up for me. talk about me, behind my back, to my face, i don't care because the truth is i have no grudges. and i'm sorry that you're angry at me and feeling hurt. i have never intentionally meant to hurt you in any way. and you say you're feelings are hurt, well, so are mine. i left school thinking you and i were understanding of each other...we do have our own lives, we always have even while in a group. i just never really developed my own. and maybe that's in overdrive now, but i do not feel alone. mentally, emotionally, i'm the most stable i have ever been...and that's not saying anything against anyone else. i have just never liked myself before i stepped back and started doing more things on my own, talking with my parents, understanding my sister and realizing she's growing up, making a relationship work, trying to find a job, getting my license...just independence that i've never had before. and i like it. i like that i'm figuring out who i am. i have never been unappreciative of the support you have always given me. those lyrics were not directed towards anyone. or anything. they were just lyrics i liked while burning my sister cds, and while my mom was talking to me. and i was getting all introspective over that entire incident. you were right, by saying that everyone is a different person. we all don't take things the same way or react the same towards events or situations or people even. but that doesn't mean that i don't love you and want to see you...and everything else. i'm just not sociable. i am a closed person. not closed-minded, but more liable to not share anything or state whatever's on my mind. please, do not take offense to this. i am not always open with everybody or even with myself. and it takes awhile for me to figure things out in a tangible form. i do not cause my own misery or stress because for once, i'm not miserable. i'm not all that stressed. i'm at peace with myself, and that is the greatest feeling i have ever had. to just accept myself for who i am. for once. i'm tired of fighting. and of battling for dominance or whatever we're doing now. i'm done arguing. i'm sorry for having you disappointed in me. i'm sorry that you feel i've changed so much and that the rachel you knew has been lost forever. the truth is, that rachel internally was miserable. and not due to anyone else. she was miserable with herself, with life, but with a deep connection to her friends who kept her sane. and i still love you both very much. i haven't changed all that much. i just want to do more on my own now, i want to see my options for my future and i want to stop being so cynical and being dubbed a spacer and everything else. i want to be taken seriously on this matter and not be labelled as having gone over the edge. it's been rough and tumble, this is the first time you and i have ever had any real difficulty in communicating, in being, persay. and i really can't explain why it's like this. but i'll say that i miss being able to ramble and debate. i miss being able to shut off my emotions and i miss talking about everything and anything all at once. it's not that i can't do these things, i miss...feeling like i have the ability or even feeling like i'm able to do so. i'm not going to say sorry anymore, i am just letting it all out, with no regrets, no expectations or hopes and no promises.

so take this as you will. just stop the arguments, the fighting...it's all pointless and it's a waste. because nothing's going to happen from it how you want it to. nothing's going to change on this angle. i'm done battling. i just want a draw.

so today i woke up at 10:30, off by an hour. my mom calls me all cheery-like, and i'm rushing and within a half hour, i managed to clean the house, take a shower, get dressed, do my hair and maire shows up. so we go to the new sushi place near alaina's, and it's really nice there. they gave us free spicy tuna roll things with our meal since it was a slow day i guess and the entire meal cost us only $10.60. the mood was a bit off, since they had z100 or something playing in the background, but they were very nice. it was good service and food...nothing beats wasabi. afterwards, i filled out applications at cvs and a small bookstore. cvs might be hiring! i hope so. they asked me a bunch of mundane questions, but with no references so that's always a plus. it's not like i'm a convicted felon.

three days 'til lainy's double date with me :)

right now i'm chaperoning my sister and her friends by order of mi mama so that they don't skank up my living room.

listening to my sister's music...and sitting here for a few minutes. my mom has been really affectionate this past week towards me. this weekend, today especially. today was the first day that i heard her say:

"I support you in anything you choose to do, in any decision you make, because you know what's right for you personally. you make good decisions usually, you've a good head on your shoulders. i'm sorry for having been so hard on you all these years, in making you do things you never wanted to do...in saying you'd end up all alone...with no friends...you know i'll always be here for you. and no matter what happens with anything in your life, i'm here for you. i love who you are, who you've become and who you'll be in the future."

whenever i step outside
somebody claims to see the light
it seems to me that all of us have lost our patience
because everyone thinks they're right,
and nobody thinks that there just might
be more than one road to our final destination

i'm filling up inside
like i need to open wide
and pour my heart out to you
but i'll just get denied

i've done everything as you say
i've followed your rules without question
i thought it would help me see things clearly
but instead of helping me to see
i look around and it's like i'm blinded

and all along i thought you would be there
(thought you would be there)
to let me know i'm not alone
but in fact that's exactly what i was

use my heart and not my eyes

<3 hoobastank>

well, i won't be in town tonight, but i want to congratulate all of my senior friends that are graduating tonight from h.s.

alaina- i'm so proud of you, have a great time at drew & stay in touch. remember, we've got our date friday.

daddy tim- thanks for being a great pops and congrats

meghan- for graduating h.s. and for getting along so well with me, see you on the 27th

rachel II- for graduating h.s. as valedictorian! i'm very proud of you as well-keep in touch, and hopefully you'll visit sometime in july with kurtis

and to everyone else and anyone else i forgot.

also congratulations to sara for making honor guard, i'm so very proud of you, blonde, you deserve it. also a shoutout to maire for also making honor guard- you rawk, lovey

matt- for boys state! go get 'em tiga and bring back the nationals and senator election

shlee- have fun with the band, i'm sorry i can't make it...play that pomp and circumstance with feeling :P

lindsay & caelyn for both graduating from middle school and moving on to high school!

standing around with mom and sis making chocolate chip, banana, and blueberry pancakes for dad...i had a dark chocolate chip. tasted it. and found myself missing ashley...and the days we used to argue over which was better, milk or dark.

this won't be a rant. i just want to openly admit everything going on inside of my head since a dear friend of mine has said that a lot of people are concerned about me. and that she's tired of making excuses. nobody should make excuses. there are no excuses. the truth is, i have been busy. i do have lots of family events going on, and i've been spending a lot of time with patrick. those are obvious though. i've had plans with other people, like tuesday with maire. i haven't felt like opening up in a long time. and i don't know where to start. and the other truth is that since i can't open up...our bonds aren't as close with each other, well, with me anyway. i'm fearful of starting more arguments, of upsetting more people, of hearing that i've changed or that i'm stupid anymore. so it's gotten to that. where i don't want to open up. i even started on the prom issue with sara by texting her because i just couldn't say it to her face to face. she was sitting right there with me. i find written words to be so much more comfortable with her and ash. because i hate seeing the looks of hostility or the "God, you're such a spacer, go back to sleep" look. it kills me inside. so i'd rather not say anything than see that look in their eyes. like i'm not worth anything anymore since i've been working being more assertive, more happy for myself than try to appease everybody. like i'm terrible. like i'm nothing at all.

this has been a struggle for me to get my life under control. i've always striven to make everyone else around me happy, and i thought she understood that...when we talked about that at her house. we agreed, that was the most important part. that it's time to make ourselves happy, no matter the costs, as long as you stay true to yourself. and i've begun to do this...i'm not trying to break away from anyone. i just can't explain to you what it means to me to have him here for starters. i want to hang out-i can hang out, but later on i'd like to see him as well...not like anyone bothers to invite me anywhere anymore. i suppose it's because they already believe i'd turn them down for the offer. and i can't really offer anything for fear of rejection i guess. i need to find a job as well, which doesn't seem to be in the same topic, but it is. because it's time-consuming. i'm going back to target maybe on monday... i really want to work there.

as for prom. patrick's right-i didn't have to bring it up there, but i just figured we'd be able to talk about it more civilly at an event like that without it being too upsetting. wrong. ash and i weren't fighting or anything, but something was off about our body language...the fact that we were impersonal at all like that bothers me a little. sara...god. she thinks i'm not sad at all about this, but i am. i don't want to be seen as someone selfish for not wanting to go...the problem isn't the dressing up. i'd do that. the problem is that i don't want to spend the money for a dress that i'd only wear once, nor for the bids which are really expensive. i don't want to waste that money sitting at a table which i'm apt to do. i'm not a social butterfly, i don't dance. if anyone recalls previous dances i've failed miserably at that...and at having a good time overall. i only had true fun when we'd go out afterwards and i could be myself again. i don't enjoy the music or the crowds or the general overtone or feeling of the entire event. it's not nostalgic and amazing for me, hearing about prom. she's been waiting all her life to go, i've been waiting all my life to decline. i said that i'd go if i didn't go to jr. prom, but i realize this was a fruitless comment to make. and she's taking it as me breaking a promise, which kills me, because i know how much that upsets and hurts her. that was never and is never my intention. i'd be miserable there. i really would and not because of the people. ash asked if it would kill me to have a girls' night out at prom...and i said yes, but i didn't mean because of them. the prom bit. that's all. i'd love to be with my girls, but not there. to me, it's just a miserable environment...i'd be so uncomfortable with myself. i can't imagine having fun there, and it doesn't mean that i'm close-minded. they want me to attend a formal to see if it changes my mind, but if i've gone to mini dances etc. like farewell and found it to be a waste of my time, then how the hell do you think i'd take prom to be? it's like the others on a grander scale. i think saying that i'd be ruining their prom for them is a bit extreme, but i realize that i'm hurting them by not going. i don't know why, except the fact that they would want me there with them...i don't know why i'm missed. things have changed, i realize they can never be the same, but i don't want them to get worse either. i remember our fondest memories together...is it really so selfish of me to not want to go...i'd be really miserable. i would just sit at the table. and sara says i should try then for her. but i've tried...and tried...and at all the little dances i've felt so uncomfortable, out of place. and everyone has fun around me...and i don't see it as fun at all. and i'm sad over it, that i can't have fun at those things...that i can't be "normal" and just a teenager like everyone else that goes. but not everyone goes. and there are those who regret. and i won't be regretful at all. i don't even care that i didn't go to jr. prom. i'd go to the afterparties, the shore...anything...but something tells me that they won't want me there anyway.

i'm off to cook dad breakfast for Father's Day. and to stop worrying about this, because it's early, but i had to introduce them to that idea to sink in since sara seems to be plotting my going anyway. and the fact that people plan for prom months in advance including getting a dress (which sara wanted to be red for me) and i'm sorry for being difficult...i really am sorry that i've hurt my two best friends. it hurts me to know that i have and that it's my fault. and i admit this. that it's my fault for being so damn difficult and so unhappy with things that they find to be amazing experiences and events. and i'm sorry things have changed this year. and i'm sorry i'm not the same. and at the same time i have to say that i truly like who i am this year. i really have never had a better self-image for myself in all of my short years of living. and better yet, i'm sorry for it at the same time.

today was hot. hotter than hell, though i've never had the pleasure of visiting there. and i was hoping to be almost witty in this post. insert some shakespeare that i'm reading...or randomly talk about how wonderful and the symbolism is behind Pulp Fiction, which i watched tonight. my mom was horrified at john travolta's character dying in that movie...but alas. it's time for sleep. and i told ash i was sweating like a pig, but then i realized...pigs don't have sweat glands. that's why they roll around in the mud to cool down. dammit. it's warmer in here than an easy bake oven. but all i have to say is no matter what, my mornings grow brighter. my nights, warmer. sweeter. my days shorter. the days pass by quickly.

today was a good day. i finished my section of the english project. got more gasoline for my car. walked in the rain. applied to walgreens and pathmark. played video games. got swung around by my boyfriend that i love very much. gave my sister dance dance revolution for xbox. and now i'm off to bed.