yesterday, my dad took patrick and me to a bunch of electronic stores, beginning with best buy, 6th avenue electronics and then circuit city. circuit city had the best deal for a vcr and that's what we bought his grandma. we gave it to her today since it's her real birthday and she loved it. we also saw the village yesterday for free. it was such a good movie. some people thought it was stupid, but that's because they lacked the focus to actually sit through it. patrick and i bought sandwiches/soup for lunch today and he got me pistachio almond ice cream from baskin robins. we went to a kids' craft festival, but it was lame since they were cleaning it up. there was also an asbestos scare in my house, which turned out to be plaster (i hope). i really don't like the people that are remodeling our bathroom. they're cheap, but they're not qualified/insured and their company isn't listed on the better business bureau website. patrick and i went and bought taylor ham/cheese sandwiches and cheese fries (he paid, actually) and went back to his grandma's. we completed (he completed) final fantasy ix! and i played the action bass fishing game lol and he beat me in chess twice. he leaves monday. i'm going to miss him terribly.

my air conditioner decided to die to today. being over twenty years old, a well-respectable age for such a machine, i say let it rest in peace, but they keep trying to revive it, the poor dear. in the meantime, i took a freezing shower to cool off and am now retiring in my swimsuit.

tomorrow's agenda:
-call mr. jlo and get out of SAMS!
-my grandpa is also having his biopsy surgery tomorrow, so pray for him for me.
-buy kit's grandma her birthday pressie!
-order books online for summer reading list
-send out msu withdrawal form
-see the village, hopefully

the air conditioning is dead, the windows are rusty/rotting out and refuse to budge open, the bathroom's being remodeled so the water's being shut off tomorrow for maintenance/plumbing plans, and my car needs a part replaced.

talk about busy, busy, busy.

and on top of all that, i found out my parents can't take me to patrick's on our one-year anniversary...so we're a little down about it to say the least. hopefully, i'll get to see him atleast once in august, or else it'll be an entire month...and well, i'm not eager to do that.

today steven came over and it was good to see the kid.

JESUS. I have NEVER dealt with more incompetent, unreliable, misguided and uninformed people in my entire life as far as education goes. it's worse than dealing with my guidance counselor...and that's saying a lot.

i've been trying to sign out of SAMS program courses at MSU for the past fucking month. i know it doesn't serve well to curse about it, but my God, these people are ridiculous.

i faxed over e-mails between me and the registrar, signed, to verify my withdrawal from msu. i got a tuition bill today for over $900. so, i called up the bursar office to see what was going on, and they sent me over to the registrar. registrar, that supposively already withdrew me from msu, had no idea, and sent me to the new student entry level office number. the lady accidentally hung up on me, above all things, she called me back, and sent me to another office number. that place gave me a voicemail and directed me to another number, where nobody even picked up/had a voicemail. dead end. so i e-mailed registrar again, a bit more harshly this time i'll admit, and filled out the withdrawal course form as a precautionary measure. i'm going to send it out tomorrow. and also i called the high school to get the administrator's number for the program, but he teaches in the morning so i'll call that number tomorrow morning. by this point, i don't care if it's an inconvenience to him, i'm just pissed off and frustrated with the red tape.

dealing with ramapo is going to be fun, my cousin's uncle goes there and says the red tape is a mile thick.

i have seen the curious girl
with that look on her face
so surprised she stares
out from her display case
-bright eyes

a little disappointment always goes a long way. it has a way of being forgiven, but never forgotten. it's just stored in memory to give progress a chance to live. and as i was lying down this morning, all of these dizzying thoughts interrupted silence. it started with the phone ringing, the call that i chose to ignore. and it makes me wonder. what if it were something important someday? are we all really just in it for ourselves? are we conscious of our motives, or are they dictated by somebody else? i'm not going to use extensive language, i never figured out the reason behind it. just say what you're going to say, spit it out or forever keep it smothered beneath your tongue. silence is better left unbroken, it's sacred, not golden.

i was listening to my taking back sunday cd and as soon as THIS SONG came on, i had to turn it off. someone ruined it for me once, a long time ago. to me, in order to like a song you have to be able to relate to it. the music alone, the sound of it, isn't enough. the lyrics must strike a chord in you the precise moment you hear it. you could love a song one day, and not being able to identify with it, go on your merry way the next by hitting "forward" on your cd player.

random writing:
a fugitive has run away
and managed to escape the fortress
burnt, and soulless, he wanders
if drunk words are really sober thoughts
and that statement is die-hard truth
i've never said anything worthwhile in my life
yet, i don't support being a lush
this effect pedal warps the sound
and drowns the hurt out
oh, to be understanding
not of liquor, but of something else
a little bit more, a little more indepth
the familiar becomes strange
when the rusted are in sight
this touch is deranged
i'm a little more than unsure
a promise is a promise
as long as it's never broken
a silhouette has become a shadow
erase this ink from this brow
rip this dart out of my chest
before the poison has a chance
to grab a sure foothold
so shrug it off, shrug me off
and deny me thrice
never let you know this voice
so passive-aggressive
yet determined all the same
wondering who'll be missed when
these fireworks hit the floor
go play war

also i would like to say thanks to mikey, for asking my opinion on something...and not drinking. that really means a lot to me.
-------------
i love catching up with friends you haven't talked to in awhile. it's nice when you get IMed from people you haven't spoken to in a few weeks and things are just as you left them. conversation is still interesting, thought-provoking, funny and leaves you feeling well-rested, comfortable, and appreciated. thank you to an old "lost boy", tom. have fun on your vacation. :)

today, i lost $17.00 when walking to walgreen's and found out that my pocket was empty at the cash register. all i wanted to buy was a kit kat bar, pads, and a gallon of arizona green tea...is that really so much to ask for? so the cashier was snippy, and said something along the lines of, "well, we're not giving out anything free today" and all of the other customers looked at me as i just said nevermind and left the store. looking along the ground on my route home, i can't help but suspect the neighbor that sat on his front porch where i pulled the cellphone out of my pocket earlier, thus dropping the money.

i also have an appointment to change my schedule on tuesday at 12:45 p.m.
- this is a posted reminder to myself, by the way-

the bathroom people came today to give my grandpa an estimate on how much remodeling the bathroom would cost. i talked to sara for a little while on the phone. also, seashells are wonderful things.

patrick brought over his guitar/amp and we randomly strummed/drummed. luckily, when i changed the head on my snare, it fit perfectly yesterday. the only problem is when i turn the snare off, it still sounds the same as if it were on.

i grabbed a package of cookies for kurtis' birthday tonight and we headed off to his grandma's house. however, before that we went on a desperate search for something to cure a stomachache and walgreen's closed as soon as we got there. then, we went to pathmark and this big old grumpy guy closed the gates as soon as i got to that aisle. i wanted to tell him off, but when i was polite about it, he just said: no. and walked off. the bastard.

i was in the rain for a few minutes tonight. and the guys led me and rachel II through the "secret path". kurtis' brother wanted to braid my hair.

normally the singer from dashboard confessional annoys me, but for some reason "vindicated" was a good song tonight for me...i don't know why. i usually hate this band. i guess i'm in the mood for some emo for a change. just some songs that are mostly talking rather than singing. perhaps some bright eyes. in any case, here is a stanza of the lyrics before i head off to bed:

so turn
up the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment, fall forever

so yesterday, patrick, kurtis, rachel II and i went to a diner and ordered some ice cream. then we took a bus to the city and from the port authority, went to rockefeller park and played pool outside. we bought all day passes for the subway and after that, we went to the museum of natural history...and i think we got in free by accident because it said general free admission was for members only. anyway, the museum was closing up in a half hour, so we saw the dinosaurs and the guys bought chocolate/candy covered edible bugs.

then, we went to greenwich village and walked around, looking in random shops until meeting up with patrick's friend from school, vadim and his friend josep. we ate at an italian restaurant called la cascada cafe italiano and went to times square. after searching and failing to find the popcorn store place...we went to virgin records and spent awhile in there. we went back to the port authority and the ticket machine wasn't working until we put a twenty in. we also were kind of confused in finding out where the bus gate was, but we managed to find it and arrived back at the park & ride a little after midnight.

today, the parking permit form arrived and mikey took me to his work to get it all photocopied. his girlfriend, ashley, went with us. kristen was there at the pool working, and so was niceguy. i told her i'm trying to change my schedule to get back into band class and she was happy. neel and jeremiah were too when i told them :D . we went to guitar center and mikey played on the acoustic bass guitars and showed us his favorite basses. while he was playing, i went to the percussion section and bought myself a new remo snare batter head. i hope it fits over my messed up snare. i also got kit some guitar picks, and gave a couple to mike who had run out of his own. afterwards, with some instances of hydroplaning, we went to the mall and i got a foamy the squirrel shirt using an old giftcard i hadn't used, and cinnabon stix. mikey didn't like any sunglasses in AE, and he couldn't find any "cab driver" hats either. he got in trouble for checking out another girl as well while we were there. graciously, he brought me to patrick's grandma's and now i'm home.

that's all.

today was patrick's grandma's surprise birthday party thrown by her daughters. so, i was there for a little while before patrick and i picked up rachel II and kurtis. my parents were coming home in a bit and so i brought them back to my house, where we ordered pizza hut. on the way home, shinji ran out in front of my car and i waved hello to brother and him...i should've stopped to talk. i wasn't thinking. for that, i'm sorry. i was in a rush, with my parents coming home, wanting me home, and having my guests wanting to see around town etc at the same time.

so after three phone calls from my mother, i left a note on the tv and took them to the barnes and nobles where we spent about an hour. i was so tempted to buy some books, but managed to maintain my self-control.

tomorrow, we go to the city!

oh and sari, thanks for commenting on the post below. much <3 lub :) >

yesterday, i watched the ring again, and 2/3 of signs. drew and kate also stopped by a few minutes before i left to go to my grandparents' and it was really good to see them both...

i'm really happy right now. rebecca called me back and said that her boss is just trying to fit me in the schedule for next year since she has to check up with a few other employees' schedules. most likely i'm going to get hired!

now to change my schedule from msu to a regular 0-6 period day and i'll be all set for next year :D

despite itching nerves today, i finally got my haircut and donated 12 inches to locks of love.

10 wasn't really all that much and so i said for her to up it two more, and decided that every 2 years or so i'll donate again. so for now it's the growing out process again, but i'll enjoy not strangling myself in the tub or anything else...battling my hair for dominance. i won that battle.

i really did look like cousin it from the back, i never realized...things were always different from the front view lol. ah well, i'll spare you all that, i mean...wouldn't want to exploit myself on the 'net. i had an after picture too but i'll let it dry now.

i'll miss my curls and the length of it, but all i have to think about is the person that's going to get my hair. they'll be able to enjoy it so much more than i will. it's for a good cause and if my hair were longer i'd have donated more.

and it's already curling up lol...the picture shows my hair right after my shower, so it'll curl up a little more and dry. i'm happy with it, and am really glad i did. thanks to rachel II for easing my fears about it, i'll see you and kurtis maybe sunday night/monday :)

check out the before & after shots: here

a response to kurtis: it isn't greasy, i took a shower :P

i got this liquid version of orajel at walgreen's yesterday that tastes kind of burning (like it has some sort of alcohol in it), yet orangey and minty at the same time. it doesn't just stay on my gums area though so it's been making my tongue/throat slightly numb as well, only on the right side. very odd indeed. a few days ago, patrick's grandma's dog licked the fingers i applied the orajel with and i think her tongue got slightly numb as well.

with my ankle hurting, donating my haircut to locks of love tomorrow :D (though i'll miss it...but alas, hair can regrow), and my wisdom tooth killing and unaligning my top row of teeth, plus the cavity/missing chip of two other teeth on my bottom row...i need to see plenty of people within the next few weeks. oh and a doctor's appointment for my annual check-up and to get him/her to sign my working papers...and i really do want to get used to the highway so mom can lay off my back about it already.

so that's the podiatrist, hair stylist, dentist, and doctor...and father. whee.

i haven't explained my three days of asian-bliss at my grandparents'. first off. rice. lots of it. it was filled with watching the lions on discovery channel kill water buffalo to the echoes of my grandpa saying, "kill that buffalo!", drinking arizona green tea, pulling out of the driveway and almost hitting the wall. checking up on my house and cleaning up. seeing the movie I, Robot, driving sara to teo's and sara feeding me cheerios (a nice change away from rice). i know teo thinks of me as "she who must not be named"...but still, it was really good to see him the other day.

then, getting a cross necklace from my sister, getting closer to her, getting into a few fights both verbal/physical with my mother, playing chess and getting closer to my dad, wanting to call back the boss from the daycare center to see if i got the job or not, leaving yet another voicemail on my counselor's inbox, bothering msu's registrar office and finding out i have a registration hold on my name, and getting back my history (2) and psychology (5) ap exam grades. plus the who's who certificate and mcgreevey's letter of recognition again.

this summer has been a crazy one, a good one, a time of change and chaos and realizations...a time when i'm re-analyzing life and...everyone around me or those who aren't.

but for now, all i can think about is being able to order the books i need for english ap next year online all for less than $20.00 all together.


Wolf ~ Wolves are also regarded as path finders
and teachers. Wolf is represented by the
constellation Sirius, the Dog.
In the Zuni tradition the Wolf symbolizes the
direction East.
Wolf's Wisdom Includes:

Facing the end of one's cycle with dignity and
courage

Death and rebirth

Spirit teaching

Guidance in dreams and meditations

Instinct linked with intelligence

Social and familial values

Outwitting enemies

Loyalty

Steadfastness

perseverance

Taking advantage of change

If you enjoy this quiz please rate, and I may do
some more!


Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm tired of arguing, i haven't changed
i'm sorry if i'm not around at all
but i wasn't the only one too busy to call
i'm not going to be the one to make up
it seems the time when home was in a group is up
i won't end up lonely and misplaced
i just want to decide my own fate
i'm not cruel, i'm done fighting
i'm tired of the glares, silence, and the lying
my mind's just divided up
too many worries filling my cup
the last issue i need is one of true friends
i need to just be accepted as i am
not to be told i'm different or gone
or to be told i'm spacing or wrong
be a friend, or foe, or nothing at all
i've had enough

last night, i got an electric shock from my cellphone recharger.

today, while walking i got hit on by two guys hanging off the back of a garbage truck. i hate trash like that.

i also went by rebecca's work at the daycare and she introduced me to her boss, jen. i filled out the application, she went over it, asked me questions and wrote down some skills/characteristics about me. tomorrow, i'm going to be observed by some other caretakers while interacting with the toddler group there, to see how well i can interact/take care of the little ones.

i hope i get the job. the people are nice, the environment is good, and little kids have always adored me, even if i haven't enjoyed the attention all that much when i was younger.

i left another voicemail for my counselor to call me back, that it was urgent to reschedule my courses for next year. i also found the form to withdraw from the university courses once i get that schedule, seeing as how i don't have any information about the program, and i already told my hopefully-future-boss that i could work 4-5 days a week beginning at 1:30 p.m, after 6th period, but it would clash with college course times on top of that.

i'm also packing my clothes for a 3-day, 2-night stay at my grandparents' while my family's out of town. i need to be here for the interview tomorrow, as well as they don't want me home alone (sadly enough). that means i have to put more water/antifreeze in my car and get air for my tires since the front right one is running pretty low.

today's happy moment: realizing mom got me nacho cheese for my tostitos (i've been craving them)

today, maire IMed me saying she was back from france and asked me if i wanted to go out for lunch. i agreed and we headed off to a sushi bar, getting slightly lost on the way, but managing to find out where we were supposed to be in the end.

my job interview got postponed until tomorrow since my cousin's girlfriend fell ill at work. i'm trying to locate my counselor, i left a message on her school voicemail machine. i'll have to pester her tomorrow again. i can't do the college program...and i just got a notice today telling me how to get my parking permit for the university. dammit.

stressed out...parents arguing...lots of issues going on involving my grandpa's health, our vacation and lack of support for it from me and my sister, and a bunch of other bullshit. i didn't fall asleep until 6 a.m. yesterday...and i was supposed to go to bed early, but i took a shower, now i'm still stressed out. i'm tired though. so it's off to bed i go...

i'm not strong, i'm terrified
i'm silent, yet i'm screaming inside
i'm so afraid, i'm shaking
i have this fear, engulfing, dragging
that one word strangling
me, silent, yet broken

we drove by the nursery...which reminds me, i have to call rebecca tomorrow morning to make plans on going there for atleast an application. if all's well, i have to call my counselor and change my schedule.

patrick is amazing. we were going to get together for a little while after dinner, but his grandma was on the phone, so during the storm my dad drove me there, but we found out that he left with an umbrella during the storm and walked to my house. after a futile hunt for him, my mom called saying that a drowned rat had appeared on our doorstep and lo and behold, it was him! :D we put his clothes in the dryer, gave him some clothes to borrow for the time-being. he's really so good to me, and it was good seeing him after such a stressful day. i love him.

well, today was an emotional rollercoaster. i was all happy and in a good mood until we had to go to our dermatologist appointment (me, my sis and my grandpa). we get there and my grandpa has this...weird...mole thing on his forehead. the doctor looks at it and says it's the beginning stages of skin cancer. that word, cancer, struck us all. me, my sister and my mom looked at one another and fell silent with shock. my grandpa, slightly oblivious, doesn't realize what's going on. he's all nonchalant and calm. there's one thing you have to understand, my grandmother passed away from uterine cancer. just hearing that word is enough to put enough dread and fear into us than any other disease you could mention.

so, he had a biopsy, the results should be within 2 weeks...then he'll get a surgery to remove the roots/deeper parts of the removed mole and all should be well. i hope so, i'm nervous, anxious...so very worried and scared. i can't lose anyone else to cancer...i can't. it destroyed the family last time and we're still all in shambles from it. i can't feel the world tumble at my feet again, my life torn into shreds and i don't think i'll be very stable if that were to happen. so many problems arose from all the issues last time, this time would be worse.

oh, and my car overheated. again.

on another note, a slightly happier, giddier note, i bought a gallon of arizona green iced tea from walgreen's and it tastes like heaven.

i found this great new site and it's going to be able to fuel so many gifts and other things that i need to give to people, but with a personalized touch.

yesterday, i took a bus to funcoland with patrick where he bought bushido blade and parasite eve. i've gotten closer to my father this summer, drifted from my mother as dominant battles ensue, and more understanding of my sister's complex nature. rather, her simple nature with its intricate complexities that she isn't even aware of.

the 15th-possibly the 18th i'm either going to the shore (highly doubtful), or i'm going to passaic to my grandparents', which leaves me with 1. a curfew. 2. the car. 3. cinderella license laws...

and i have to call rebecca today to see about the nursery job...she says they need help in september and i'm a very likely candidate since she recommends me :) yay!!! if that works out, i'm not going to do the SAMS program probably...i really...really...need the money and doing high school work, college work and a job...is just too much. i'd rather do high school work, a job, and community band. speaking of community band, there's a concert on the 24th that i'm missing, but that's alright...my parents are going to the shore that day and are shipping me off anyway.

and sara's really going to like what i'm getting her for her birthday though she doesn't want anything...now to think for ash's birthday.


i just sent back some cd from bmgmusic club that i didn't request...and i'm sad to report that 4 days after returning the baby bird to its nest, it passed away.

i want to name it...for its memory's sake...suggestions?

so after falling asleep at 4 a.m. listening to some people talk about their problems, i was promptly awoken at 9 a.m. in order to get ready for my mother's hair salon appointment at 10:30. she donated to Locks of Love

then we went to Friendly's for lunch where we passed matt's car on the way, followed by nearly 2 hours of my dad toting us around to look for a bikini for my sister, where i was stuck in the car since i didn't want anything in any of the stores.

soon enough my cousin steven is going to come over.

HAPPY JULY 4th! mukomuko!!!

today was really nice with my family and all. i woke up, went shopping for some needed items at walgreens, picked up patrick and his sister and took them to staples to look for olivetti valentine compatible ribbons (to no avail)

whoever can help me find this for patrick, please comment! thanks :D

we thought that we couldn't be with each other for the rest of the day since we both had family obligations. i worked it out so i spent from 3-6:30 or so watching twilight zone and we had dinner with his grandma and aunt eileen. after that, we went to my aunt grace's barbeque for a little while since my cousins jen and ralph wanted to see me. they haven't seen me in awhile. jen's boyfriend dyed his hair. and i love rebecca, she's trying to get me a job at the nursery she works at. i hope it all works out because i really need to become employed with part-time college funds and gas/insurance money needed. then, we headed off to ej's where patrick and i watched the secret window again with ej and his girlfriend, kate. my aunt, uncle, grandparents, and ej's half-brother robert, his wife, and his two children were there. we went to the fireworks show, which kicked ass of course. i love going to that every year, although i do miss seeing uncle sal lighting fireworks in his backyard and catching that great pine in his backyard on fire like the good ol' days.

we were watching the school of rock again until my parents picked us up, where we resumed watching it at my house. we just dropped patrick off home. today was our unofficial official 1st year, since he's leaving before our official one year has passed...but wow, a lot has changed in a year. and i'm so very thankful for this night.

to my friends that performed today, i'm proud of you. you kicked ass...even if i wasn't there to hear you, i know you did and i wish you and your families the best, most memorable, and happiest independence day.

after giving such a poor synopsis and opinion on fahrenheit 9/11, i was hoping to go more indepth after renting some movies, but alas i lack the strength/effort that it'll take to actually care right now *very sleepy*

here ya go kiddies:

1. a night at the roxbury- it's so terrible that it's great...you can only really see it once though.

2. searching for bobby fischer- an old movie that inspired me to learn chess...the kid definitely has a lisp going on though so the narration is sometimes hard to comprehend...it's too bad that i really have to be in the mood to play that game now or else my attempts are sad, pathetic and not even half-hearted.

3. the secret window- a really good psychological film with johnny depp...i keep picturing him as the pirate from pirates of the caribbean. it disturbed me (the graphic parts anyway) and i am not ashamed to admit that i did hide under a pillow after having developed a new fear of household tools.

4. school of rock- jack black...not one of my most favorite comedians, but those little kids can really rock out

5. scary movie 3- i wouldn't know, i found it pointless to my time so i let my dad and cousin watch it

today, i realized that my town picnic has really disintegrated into some meaningless, empty...boring hellhole. i heard that it used to actually be good. worthwhile. fun. patrick bought a plastic samurai sword. afterwards, i found out some parts of my bathroom ceiling collapsed so yeah, we're going to remodel it. caelyn, patrick and i watched the secret window, and also parts of the wizard of oz (are you proud of me, blonde?) i looove that movie. oh yeah and yesterday, ej slept over and the whole family took a detour at 2 a.m. to white castle. i'm glad to see that kit and ej get along really well. it makes me so veddy happy.

tomorrow's plans! go to ej's to see me some fireworks :D

*insert long, exerted sigh here*

well...my second double date plans with alaina fell through as she's preparing for her weekend at the shore. the smell of my sister's burning hair from the straightener has caused this cloud-like fog to circulate around the room. i guess i'm going to have to retest in a few days...the thought disturbs me some. yesterday sara drove over to patrick's grandma's and we all hung out in the jungle gym. i kept pouring water on myself. then after an hour or so we walked to my house and played video games. then i drove sara to community band (go kick ass in cape may on the 4th).

my sister's playlist is all rap and hip hop/techno/emo...patrick just stares at me when i sing along with eminem songs...i can't help it if i know the lyrics, my sister is an eminem fanatic. the other day, i played catch by bouncing a ball against eminem's face on my sister's wall. and i'm really happy that my record player works, so that patrick can take it to school and when i visit we'll be able to listen to the vinyls.

how come...
we don't even talk no more
and you don't even call no more
we don't barely keep in touch at all
and i don't even feel the same love
when we hug no more
and i heard it through the grapevine...
we even beefin' now
after all the years we been down
ain't no way no how
this bullshit can't be true
we family...ain't a damn thing changed
unless it's you

my plans for this weekend (oh and before i go any farther, don't listen to those people, sis, i love you, go have a good time at the shore) yes meghan, i said shore. i'm such a benny *hides* anyway, tonight video games/movie rental/something, tomorrow the town's picnic, and sunday at my cousin ej's town's fireworks show with his girlfriend and patrick (mehopes)