this blog is officially closed.

any posts made from here on out are going to be few and far in between...

back from ash's.

my parents won't let me go to the renn. faire. we'll get into that another time.

the greatest feel-good quote tonight:

"you know what one of the best things about our friendship is? even though we haven't talked a lot this summer, it's like we just pick up where we left off"

stressful day. too much going on. i'm almost done with one bottle of oceanspray cranberry juice. lord save me. i feel like i'm on fear factor. my mom's in the hospital...her surgery should be within a half hour.

i'm going to probably end up at ash's for a little while, but i'll pick up my sister and go to the hospital or something. whatever happens. but for right now, i have some errands to run.

the transplants "diamonds and guns" from that fructis shampoo commercial got me into a good mood.

oh, and i have to pick up my parking permit tomorrow. the school called me :D!

it feels good to be able to help someone...to make them feel better...because when i help someone...an amazing wave of joy overwhelms me. that i live for a purpose.

so hard to find my way
now that i'm all on my own.
i saw you just the other day,
my, how you have grown!
cast my memory back there, Lord,
sometime i'm overcome thinking about
laughing and running hey, hey
behind the stadium
with you, my brown-eyed girl,
you, my brown-eyed girl.

wow, the memories that listening to this song brings back.

happy birthday! good luck on your road test.

iugh, i have something wrong with me. i need medication for it. i hate the taste of cranberry juice, it's like vomit.

and on a final note: girls, like yourselves. enough is enough with cosmetic surgery.

i need to see a doctor. and no, not for insomnia.

while in toys r us today, i saw a new game for gamecube! DONKEY KONGA! it has a conga drum shaped controller and you follow along kind of like ddr for your hands i guess, but donkey kong style! it makes me feel like getting the gamecube console just for that game alone.

so when i fell asleep for about two hours just now, i had the weirdest dream we were in band class. and i was playing the timpanis to this nice calming song that had the title noelle or something on the sheet music. neel was absent, that kid's great, but it was my song on the timps and i was enjoying it. i woke up feeling very relaxed.

i've been tracking down these little tricky .exe and .dll files everywhere on my computer. employed snipers of this operation are: add/remove programs, windows explorer, ad aware SE, spybot, norton antivirus scan, norton internet security professional, and disk cleanup. we shall prevail.

i got back from some stores with tim and jess. tim bought us food and refused to drive us home until we ate every single bite. that's my adopted dad for you, making sure we're nourished.

new link/community i hope to join: http://www.ricebowljournals.com" title="http://www.ricebowljournals.com" target="_blank"http://www.ricebowljournals.c...

oh eyes, how you see through it all without truly seeing anything.

last night as i was waiting to make sure my mom was alright, and brought out a bunch of books that i like to read. now they're scattered about my bed, all opened on various pages to denote lines and phrases that i like.

i'm looking forwards to the renaissance faire this saturday, i just have to get my dress semi-presentable. i don't have a hair wreath, well...i have my old one. perhaps i'll buy another at the faire.

i hope to spend some time with alaina this week, and ash's birthday is this thursday. then the renn. faire on saturday...online shopping has been a bastard to me, so i'm going out shopping for the rest of ash's pressies tomorrow.

i hit my head hard on the ceiling/wall thing to the backyard stairs. i've spent most of my day trying to stay awake.

my stupid quote of the day: my honda has a radiator in it...i mean, it has a hole in the radiator. i would hope that it still has a radiator.

this sense of loss is interceding, overwhelming, parting, fading...repeating

patrick's sister, caely, is an amazing roommate.

green apples taste better. that's all. especially with peanut butter.

this time what i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burn me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
i’ve seen it all
it was never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
lifehouse - "take me away"

my mom's home and she's okay for now. there's a kidney stone against her uterus where it's not supposed to be. so she's on meds, and if that doesn't work along with getting rid of it, then she'll have to go in for surgery.

other than that, it started already. she walks in and tells me to put my sword "out of sight". i do so unhappily, but then i hear it starting to fall, and i dive at it, trying to stop it, and manage to grab it, but along the process i cut my wrist on the radiator, and as that happened, some of the paint on the hilt of the sword and a scratch on the scabbard happened. fuck, i feel so fucking terrible. i just brought it home today and it's not safe here, so i lied it down flat by my dresser, i don't care if my mom doesn't like it there. that's where it's safe, and that's what happens when i have to listen to these people.

Patrick, i'm so sorry. the sword is alright, it's not broken or anything...and i still love it. i'm sorry...:( ':cry:'

yeah...so mom's in the ER right now...here's a survey to get my mind off things:

BY THE WAY, THOSE BOOKS WOULD BE :
The Devil's Advocate - Morris West
The Odyssey - Homer
Fahrenheit 451- Ray Bradbury
The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings Trilogy - J.R.R. Tolkien
You Don't Know Me - David Klass
Stained Glass- Michael Bedard
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith
The Da Vinci Code- Dan Brown


DESCRIBE YOUR:
[wallet]: black & blue with ink on the inside, pictures and random odds and ends. my keys are attached.
[jewelry worn daily]: my tigerseye necklace and cross
[shoes]: beat up sneakers
[handbag]: my brown falling apart material handbag
[favorite top]: my "Beat It" girl drummer t-shirt
[perfume/cologne]: none, maybe some calvin klein
[piercing]: two on each ear
[what you are wearing now]: tucson, arizona t-shirt, plaid boxers.
[makeup]: none
[in my mouth]: teeth.
[in my head]: toadies.
[wishing]: my mom's okay.
[talking to]: nobody
[eating]: nothing
[some of your favorite movies]: too many to name...
[something your looking forward to in the upcoming months]: finding out which college i'm going to, graduating
[the last thing you ate]: oreo ice cream!
[something you are deathly afraid of]: being alone
[do you believe in love]: yes.
[do you believe in soul mates]: yes.
[do you believe in love at first sight]: yes.
[do you believe in forgiveness]: to a certain degree.
[do you have a pet]: a waterfrog.
[what's something you wish you could understand better]: people.
[anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: i s'pose.


IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
[cried?]: no.
[bought something?]: yep, a chocotaco!
[gotten sick?]: no.
[sang?]: yesh.
[eaten?]: yeah
[been kissed?]: yes.
[felt stupid?]: no.
[told someone you loved them, but didn't?]: no.
[met someone new?]: nope.
[moved on?]: nope
[talked to an ex?]: nope.
[missed an ex?]: no
[talked to someone you have a crush on?]: i guess you could say that, but does it count if you're already dating that person?
[had a serious talk?]: yes.
[hugged someone?]: yes.
[fought with your parents?]: nope, amazingly enough
[dreamed about someone you can't be with?]: nope

Social life:
[boyfriend/girlfriend] yeah.
[what type automobile do you drive]: honda accord.
[what type automobile do you wish you drove]: a new one lol
[would you rather be with your friends or on a date]:ahhh!
[where is the best hangout]: don't know.
[do you have a job]: no, wish i did.
[do you like being around people]: no.

WHO:
[have you known the longest]: uhm...ashley & sara
[do you argue the most with]: my mom
[is the most trustworthy]: goombah.
[makes you laugh the most]: patrick.
[has been there through all the hard times]: i don't think anyone's been through every single one with me
[has the coolest parents]: ---
[is the smartest]: ---
[is your role model]: my father

[ever liked someone you had no chance with]: pfff.
[have you ever cried over the opposite sex]: i think once, yea
[do you have a "type of person you always go after]: nope although there seemed to be an "irish trend".
[ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you]: no
[rather be the dumper or the dumped]: neither
[rather have a relationship or a hookup]: relationship.
[want someone you dont have right now]: no.
[ever like your best guy/girl friend]: yes, dating my best guy friend already.
[want to get married]: yesh.
[do you want kids]: perhaps.
[do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time]: mhm.
[what is your favorite part of your physical appearance]: my...hair
[whats your favorite part of your emotional being]: emotional being? *raises eyebrow*
[are you happy with you]: yep
[are you happy with your life]: yesh :D

never deal with morons to reconstruct your bathroom. i hate this guy carlos with a passion.

but on positive and good news, i had an amazing week. AND Patrick gave me my birthday present early...a...KATANA!!!! :)

so before i go to see my sister...one final note...little hamster

so, i was all packed up today and mom took me to walgreen's to pick up conditioner. i couldn't find corn nuts (wanted 'em) in walgreen's/acme/pathmark...so they're just not...in existence here it seems. only managed to get two peanut butter cookies too and before that i visited my sister and mike at a pool.

i wanted a manicure, and mom insisted on dropping me off, but little did i know that she was waiting around the corner. the ladies inside were nice, one kept playing with my hair. i talked to this girl allison's grandma, who was getting her nails done as well. it was nice, to just get a hand massage and just...relax. i walked home since it's only a block away from my house, but that was a mistake. my mother had waited into the car for over an hour for me and i didn't know. she keeps calling me idiotic, stupid, a flake, and she's blaming everything on me...problems with friends over the years,...just because i want the car for next year. i'm crying. and i can't wait to leave.

i'm all packed for patrick's tomorrow! :D

kurtis and rachel II have both completed fact lists about themselves, and i tried to awhile back, but tblog messed it up. click on the side link for it.

i miss the sound of crunching leaves beneath my feet. of soaked socks in rain puddles. ocean wind tousled hair and the salty residue of the sea on my skin. i miss catching snowflakes in my mouth and hauling logs to build forts in the back field, before development took place. i miss those horse swings they used to have and the rusty, tall, scary metal slides. i miss the see-saws, the merry-go-rounds. i'm nostalgic. not just for childhood emotions...but for...other things. i miss hearty flowing conversation. i feel that there are just some things that are empty, that used to be...but i cannot name them, i don't know what it is. i miss sleep, probably. i am not sad, or burdened, merely reflective.

showers are evil. nausea is evil. rocking chairs are evil. towels are evil. dizziness is evil. but when you combine all of them, you just have...pure insanity.

sara calls it hurricane pms (but i call it hurricane period), and unlike florida, we get no prior alert warnings (atleast i didn't) and there are no evacuation plans. EJ calls it a demon. i call it life.

i turn into such a random bitch when i'm like this, and i'm sure lack of sleep isn't helping:

me: no its not good
me: i swear i'm dying
matt: lmso
matt: sure
me: NO YOU HAVE NO IDEA
me: DONT START WITH ME ROAR
matt: ROAR
matt:  i roar louder!!!
me: ROAR!!!!!!!

matt: ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!
me: DIEPENIS-BEARER
matt: aksehfasdjkfsjkadfh
matt: i thought it was like german or something

later on:

matt: and if we had the chance why not elect a governor like our forefathers wanted
me:because our forefathers are dead. and our nation is too
matt: the nation is not dead...and its the negative things like that, that are leading us in the wrong direction
me:there is no direction. there is only the Bleeding and the Non-Bleeding
matt: rachel this is a country not a uterus lol
me: it is the uterus! the uterus of the world! where all the productivity takes place, goddammit
matt: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHh

-now i have to call jew and tell him to fuck off and not to stop by after working, and to leave me be, because i am angry and moody and sick. other than that, i might not be  home, and if i am, i'll be asleep. oh and i'm going out to sushi with maire soon-

i think this lack of sleep has done something with the radio station in my head. the one that makes me have songs stuck in my head, but only the first two lines...my brain has done something extraodinarily crazy. with the false alarm of approaching slumber, my brain...has...gotten two separate songs! that's right! two separate entities...the circle of life and danny boy...stuck in my head...and they're playing simultaneously. but...they're still...separate from each other.

and i shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
and all my dreams will warm and sweeter be
if you'll not fail to tell me that you love me
i'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

and this is fucked up, but i was thinking and i remembered on my 17th birthday, after my friends and patrick kidnapped me and we were in alaina's car. and i had the william shakespeare book on my lap. patrick and i were kissing, the book fell off my lap and sara was sitting next to me. i was in the middle, patrick was to my left...and when the book fell, sara sorta...screamed out of horror. or something. i don't remember, but the memory of it...right now...

i'm going to sleep. lol

oOoh kiddies, am i losing it or what? it's 5 friggin 30 in the morning and here i am, typing away on this damn tblog thing *pokes it*

and i figure, hey, i'm going with maire to get raw aquatic grub in about...8 hours...if i sleep now, i can wake up at 11 and still have nearly 5 hours of sleep! but noooooo...of course i can't. the air conditioner was on a timer and it keeps turning on and off with freewill *gasp* it keeps scaring me. several times i was about to brandish and fend off intruders with the rainstick beside my bed only to realize that it was the machine. how malicious it is. it's like edgar allen poe's story "tell tale heart", where he believes he hears the murdered old man's heartbeat beneath the floorboards, but it is only his own afterall. evil machine that it is. i'm amost thinking it has A.I. technology in it. which reminds me of that terrible movie, A.I., and also the good movie, I, Robot. but that's off-topic. what've i been doing all of these hours, one might ask. well...that's a good question. i wish i knew.

and as i look at the top header of this tblog i loathe it. and i feel like taking a crowbar, dipping it in a glass-blower's fire and branding it with furious hateful sweeps. better yet, if i could just take a sword and slash at it until it fell off this blog in ribbons. and i check my buddy list quickly, figuring scotland's time is ahead, but nope, liam still isn't on. grrr-i want greymatter/blogger...something. :( enough pouting.

i know the alarm is set for 7, so i better be asleep by then or else the parental units will think i've flipped again and threaten to take me to a shrink. staying at ej's made me pick up on such bad sleeping habits again. i remember hearing a quote once that went something like:

"insomnia is a gross feeder that will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking."

i don't remember who said it, but all i can think is: how true.

how clever, methinks! dear God, i need sleep. *yawn* :shocked: (i think that was a ray of hope!) good night...good morning.

i'm finally home. at ej's, ej, kate and i watched the volleyball and basketball usa olympic games. afterwards, i left. when i got home, i spent my night munching on champagne grapes (these tiny grapes used in making champagne). my mother brought me home a shotglass from atlantic city. what will i do with it? i don't know. perhaps i'll store spare change? *shrug* i guess i could give it away...anyone want a shotglass? it's made out of well...glass...and it's white on top and fades down into blue so it looks like the ocean. and there's one of those steering wheel things for a boat and a sailboat on it...and it says: atlantic city, the hilton hotel on it. if not, eh...spare change it is.

since i haven't eaten much these past few days, the first thing i noticed when i passed the kitchen was the banana fudge chunk ice cream sitting on the table. it's every menstrual girl's dream. soy milk's good too. anyway, tomorrow, i get sushi with maire at 1 p.m. which should be good since i haven't seen her, and i'm going to hopefully make plans with alaina for tuesday/wednesday morning or afternoon. :)

but other than foraging for food/junk food, tonight i spent my time trying to set up a blog (after much nagging about the terrible formatting of free tblog from kurtis). i'm also just plain sick and tired of the way my hosted site is always so dusty and without a true purpose. i backed up my archives and deleted nearly everything on my server except for an index.html page and the header to this stupid thing. i just didn't like the way it looked blank. kurtis tried (note the keyword tried) to help me and he embarked on a journey in the land of blogger.com to try and syndicate a "true blog" into my hosted space. it failed. miserably. so many errors popped up and problems, so we gave up. all of that time was wasted, and all for nothing. i'll have to ask liam for help with greymatter or something instead. or maybe, if it is the server, he can fix whatever's wrong with it that's preventing me from webdesigning bliss.

oh yeah, and three days 'til i go to patrick's :D, but we'll just say 2 since it's technically early in the morning.

ahem. i promise i'll stop using that subject title soon.

so, i ended up going back to sleep after my previous post until 2. i woke up feeling nauseous/bad and took a shower. again, the dizziness, the nausea, i felt so ill. i went downstairs...and again, collapsed into the armchair. i'm seeing a pattern. aren't you? my aunt finally came downstairs and saw me there, and she made me some food. hot dogs. ate those, felt better.

a small centipede was just on the wall and EJ hit it, but it fell somewhere, so i'm sitting indian style on the computer chair to avoid it crawling up my jean legs or something.

yesterday, not much happened. a centipede was on the ceiling, it fell, and almost landed on me. i screamed and jumped on ej's futon as it scurried over the keyboard my hands were on a few seconds prior and ej hunted for it to no avail. i saw the big bugger on the wall afterwards, and ej killed it and added it to his gory, disgusting bug jar.

then, ej had a headache so we shared my aspirin. i only had 3 left, but i wasn't feeling good either and we broke one in half and had 1 1/2 each. i still wasn't feeling well around 4 a.m., so i accidentally fell asleep on his futon while waiting for him to finish with online. he left me downstairs :( and went upstairs on the couch lol. so i woke up, found out i was alone in a hot room (we had left the fan on the air conditioner prior and it was over 80 degrees) in the dark, with centipedes lurking around every corner. i went upstairs and huddled on the small couch in a fetal position for an hour or so before my aunt and uncle woke up. the dog, chloey, jumped all over me, licking and trying to wake me up. there's nothing worse than dog breath in the morning.

i'm going home sometime today. i don't know when...but...i'm almost not looking forwards to it.

feel sick. going home tomorrow. another night at EJ's! hoorah!

yesterday, nothing much else happened that i didn't already blog about. ej was in a bad mood from his headache and took a long nap. i kept on trying to keep people (mostly his niece and nephew) from waking him, since he said that nobody was to bother him. so, i stayed on the phone with patrick for awhile, which was nice. haven't done that in a long time, it seems. talked to my sister online, then i signed off after everyone did and went to the futonbedthing to sleep. ej was already in it, so he moved to the armchair. neither of us were comfortable, so we switched places and got to talking. we bullshitted for awhile, until nearly 6:30 a.m. actually, and the tv alarm went off at 9:46 a.m. i shut it off and went back to sleep. the alarm went off at 11 a.m. and i shut that off too and went to bed again. i woke up at 12 and went upstairs to eat breakfast. had captain crunch berries, the kind with those nickelodeon rocketpower characters on the box front cover. it turned my milk a robin blue egg color. too sugary for my tastes, but for the briefest of moments, i wanted it.

i don't know if i'm going home today or tomorrow...

went to bed at 6 a.m. last night, since we were too busy watching stargate series episodes and ej was hunting down a baby centipede that was hovering on the ceiling above todd's sleeping mat. have new respect for finger eleven. i watched their video this morning, around 5 something a.m. and the drummer was playing the timpanis!

woke up with terrible cramps and a backache. i'm feeling very dizzy right now, and nauseous. after i had finished my shower, i stepped out and almost fell over. the nausea was so bad, i couldn't finish dressing in fear of throwing up/stumbling, and somehow made it downstairs, heaped onto ej's armchair. luckily, the boys had gone to a movie this morning, and had chosen not to wake me up for it. so i sat there in pajama pants and my towel, fighting the dizziness and nausea and cramps. gah, i feel so...terrible. and shaky. my hands are shaking as i type this all out. but i can't lie down, i already tried. i thought i heard someone coming downstairs so i just put a shirt on really fast, but it was only paranoia. i haven't gotten it this bad in awhile...i'm going to go, too much pain, and too much...everything to just sit here.

later on: 3:43 p.m.

i fell asleep until ej came back a little while ago. he wasn't too happy about me being half naked in his armchair prior, lol i accidentally left my towel still wet from the shower on it, so when he sat down it was a little damp to say the least. now i'm going to go back and lie down again, except i'm going to watch more stargate...

even later: 4:54 p.m.

watched the last episode of stargate in the dvd season box. ej has to get more from his girlfriend, kate. i was laying down for awhile and my aunt called us up for dinner, my first meal of the day. i'm pretty weak in general today, so the fettucini was welcomed, as was the mini-snickers bar. i was trying to explain to todd and ej the wonders of salt and sugar (mainly chocolate) last night when i'm like this. i'm still feeling pretty sick, and drained. stephen, a percussionist that graduated two years ago, left me a nice IM message saying for me to feel better. thanks. even though this feeling is menstrual-induced, it really hit hard this time around...and i feel like crap.

i just finished reading return of the king, but i'm not in the mood to begin gulliver's travels. i hope pride and prejudice and the devil's advocate arrive by the time i get home on saturday. ej had his friends mike and todd over, and they were playing halo for hours non-stop. now, todd's sleeping over, and they're playing some other game that ej just got. ej is sleeping in the armchair and i will sleep on the bed, and todd will take this cushion thing that patrick and i sat on once while here, on the floor, like a puppy or something lol.

ej burned me napoleon dynamite, but i don't know how it'll work...it's an .avi and it didn't take well to the playstation 2 but...i guess it'll be okay on a dvd player. i hope so anyway.

there's not much else to do but wander aimlessly about the internet and talk to them, since everyone's either MIA or...MIA. they're taking ej's nephew to see the yu-gi-oh! movie tomorrow, but i really don't want to go. so i'll sleep in, or whatever, and probably end up back on here...but for right now, ej, todd, and i are going to chill some more, feast a little, bullshit, and 'til tomorrow, my empty audience, adieu.